On A Hetox/Guyatus

Yep, you read that right.  For the past couple years, I've done/tried it all.  Speed-dating. Set up blind-dates. Match. E-harm. OKCupid. Tinder.  I grimace as I write out this list. 

It's not that I haven't found Mr. Right (well, I haven't, but that's beside the point).  It's just that, in the words of my girl, Taylor Swift 'I just, I mean, this is exhausting'. 

The e-mails.  The awkward conversations with strangers.  The texting.  The creepers.  I just don't have time.  Or rather, I just don't care to do this with my time.  I keep busy with work.  I have a good amount of good friends & family I try to keep in touch with.  I take dance class.  I work out.  I am in the process of attempting to learn coding.  I'm trying to read more.  I'm struggling to keep up this blog.  You get the drift. 

That, and, not to pick on online dating especially (which I really truly think there is nothing wrong with, and I know several great couples, some married/engaged, who started with a wink) - but oh goodness, it's a headache and a half some times.  There's the guys who write long, detailed, five paragraph essay emails.  There's the guys who write emails for weeks but don't make any attempt to ask me out.  There's the guys who write emails blatantly looking for a casual sexual relationship (even when I specified in my profile I was not open to said idea). There's the blatant control+copy+paste emails.  There's the 'this isn't in a foreign language, but it isn't quite English, either' emails.  And all the while, I can't help but think that there's a college friend I owe an email to, and here I am sorting through this crap instead.  

Back in my college days/early twenties, I hadn't gone on nearly as many dates as I have over the past couple years (grimace again), but all the guys that were asking me out or taking me out on dates appeared to really be interested in me.  The ones who kept calling, well, I knew they liked me.  Maybe it was because they met me prior to the first date in some way or another, maybe it was because there wasn't a seemingly large mass pool of potential singles as one's fingertips, but I feel nowadays it seems like there will be guys that ask me out and continue to talk to me, but I cannot make heads or tails of whether or not they are into me.  Perhaps they are casting a wide net.  Or keeping their options open.  I dunno.  What I do know, though, is that in all seriousness, I question if I could successfully notice a great guy trying to get my attention amongst all this white noise.

Something in me snapped the other day.  It must have been the 8th coupon in a row to reactivate e-harm.  I promptly went on an deleted my profile (which, another can of worms, and perhaps a blog topic - was not easy to do!).  Next - match - gone!  Tinder - deleted.  Okcupid - still there (because filling out all the questions was an extensive process), but I won't be checking it, except for material for this blog.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not anti-dating right now, I am just not doing anything that would constitute 'trying to meet someone'.  If I happen to stumble upon a great guy and he asks me out in some way, I will go.  But no dating sites, no blind dates - nothing that requires, well, time or effort.

That, and the other day, a friend made a good point.  We were discussing another friend who is dating a good guy (and it seems to be getting more serious).  Prior to dating this guy, said friend had a not-as-great relationship.  My other friend mentioned to her not to put up with it because "once you meet the right guy, things will be easy".  I wholly agree with this sentiment.

Deja Viewed Your Profile

Has anyone else noticed?

Ok - so it's no little secret, I've dabbled in some, ahem, online dating.  I've tried almost all of the major sites (not necessarily all at once).  Sure, each is different in its own way.  I've noticed, ahem, some overlap of 'clientelle'.

Of course I am guilty of this as well.  But it's kind of of funny.  One might think he or she is opening him or herself up to some new people by joining an additional site.  And this might be true, to an extent.  I'm curious the amount of 'unique users' each site has.

The funniest thing, however, is I personally have experienced several moments of 'deja vu'.  Or maybe 'deja viewed your profile'.  What amuses me the most (and I'm guilty of this as well), is that on every site, the people have the same user names and pictures.  When I was telling a friend about this, he commented that, well, it makes sense - it's the same single & looking people in the same city - it wouldn't really make sense if it was a completely different set of individuals.

I also remember once there was a guy I started talking to on one network.  I realized quickly that I just wasn't going to hit it off with him.  This may have been bad form on my part, but I just stopped responding (we hadn't even spoken on the phone or met in person).  He then messaged me on ANOTHER network, calling me out that I'd stopped responding on the first network, but he still wanted to keep talking to me.  I was weirded out and, needless to say, did not respond once again.

Do my fellow online daters have the same experience of dealing with the same people on every network?  Is there a point of being on multiple sites at once?  Does anyone else feel some 'people' are following them as aggressively as zappos remarketing?  (Sorry, lame search joke.)  Your thoughts?

A Modern-Day Relationship Problem?

So, as most of my readers know, I briefly tried eharmony.  I thought it was a decent site, but nothing to write home about it.  I didn't get too much out of it, other than some drinks and a couple blog posts.

Anyhow.  I am still subscribed to their emails for some reason.  They mostly address dating dilemmas - such as 'top ten can't stands for men'.  A couple of them annoy me a little (because I almost feel like they are advising women on how to 'behave' in order to 'land a man' if you will), but most of them really just crack me up.

The other day, I saw one that really got me.

"You're In Love, But He's Still On A Dating Site"

LOL.  Well, I guess you can file this under a 'modern day relationship problem'.  I am not sure the protocol for dating someone and initiating the 'get off the website' conversation.  I guess that has to be a little awkward.  And, well, doesn't one party still need to be a member or said site to log in and see the other person is still a part of the site?  How does one know the other is still on the site without being guilty of the same offense!  (Cue for Jimmy Buffett's 'if you like pina coladas'?).

Does anyone have any insight for these peeps?  How does one deal with the dilemma 'you're in love, but he's still on a dating site'?  

Dumped?

So, as you all know, I online date (yadda).   There was a dude I met on eharm.  He was 30, nice looking, seemed to have a nice family, and had a seemingly successful career.  The communication at the start of things seemed slow, however, he seemed like a generally nice guy (maybe just not as experienced in the 'dating' world.)

Anyhow.  We went on around 4 dates over a period of around five weeks.  As I said, the communication was slow, with, often times, long periods between contact, but he continued to call and initiate suggesting we hang out.  I was cautiously optimistic and perfectly ok with things moving slowly, so I didn't think it was too big of a deal.  At the end of our fourth date, it ended with a kiss on the lips (the extent of our intimacy).

After our fourth date, during the week, there was some brief casual texting about how our weeks were going, etc.  The next week, I knew from something he'd previously mentioned he had something big coming up for work, so I texted him good luck on it.  No response.

Whatever.  As I said, things really hadn't gone far and I wasn't too invested, so I had mentally written it off and moved on pretty quickly.  Over a week later, I see my phone ringing - it was him.

At this point, I don't know what to do (except for the obvious one - let it go to voicemail).  Does he think it's ok to just randomly go missing for periods of time and resurface?  However, it doesn't seem like there's any point to confronting him/starting a fight - it's not like we were actually boyfriend/girlfriend or anything.  I listened to the voicemail.  Here is the cliffnotes version (voicemail was around 4 minutes - long & rambly):

"Hey Jaime, it's Andrew...Sorry I've been MIA the past couple weeks, I've been super busy with work (Editor's sidenote:  Of course.)...thanks for sending me a text last week wishing me good luck, that was really nice of you.  Things went all right.  Yeah, I'm calling cause it's been really nice getting to know you, but I don't think it's going to work out.  I just didn't feel enough of a connection.  I didn't want to just not call again, so, uhh, that's why I'm calling (ES: isn't this apparent? did you really need to say that?)...you're a great girl, I'm sure you'll find someone (ES:  Oh fuck off.).  So yeah, I just wanted to wish you good luck."

Anyhow.  I couldn't help but wonder what the hell this was?!  Was this call really necessary?  I'm voting no.  It left me feeling much more annoyed than the thought of him not calling back again.  Who does this?  Isn't there a protocol for when one needs a breakup conversation?  And wouldn't this situation not qualify?  It could have potentially made sense immediately after our fourth date, but at this point, in my book, it truly didn't.

I ran this by quite a jury.  One of my female friends felt that, with the exception of the line about me being a great girl (hardly know you, dude - certainly wasn't concerned about your opinion of my value), it was respectful.  Some of my other friends felt it was foolish and illogical, but the guy meant well.  One of my male friends thought it was a very douche move (several of my female friends share this opinion as well).  Someone else raised an alternative idea.  As I said, he was not very communicative, and he was one of those who was 'super busy with work', so our dates were often short and ended early.  Someone suggested he was perhaps in a relationship and just one who was 'dabbling on the side'.  Maybe he 'broke up' with me out of fear that I would somehow call or text at the wrong time.

What are your thoughts?  Douche?  Nice guy who meant well?  When is a breakup convo necessary?  When is it borderline inappropriate?