Dumped?

So, as you all know, I online date (yadda).   There was a dude I met on eharm.  He was 30, nice looking, seemed to have a nice family, and had a seemingly successful career.  The communication at the start of things seemed slow, however, he seemed like a generally nice guy (maybe just not as experienced in the 'dating' world.)

Anyhow.  We went on around 4 dates over a period of around five weeks.  As I said, the communication was slow, with, often times, long periods between contact, but he continued to call and initiate suggesting we hang out.  I was cautiously optimistic and perfectly ok with things moving slowly, so I didn't think it was too big of a deal.  At the end of our fourth date, it ended with a kiss on the lips (the extent of our intimacy).

After our fourth date, during the week, there was some brief casual texting about how our weeks were going, etc.  The next week, I knew from something he'd previously mentioned he had something big coming up for work, so I texted him good luck on it.  No response.

Whatever.  As I said, things really hadn't gone far and I wasn't too invested, so I had mentally written it off and moved on pretty quickly.  Over a week later, I see my phone ringing - it was him.

At this point, I don't know what to do (except for the obvious one - let it go to voicemail).  Does he think it's ok to just randomly go missing for periods of time and resurface?  However, it doesn't seem like there's any point to confronting him/starting a fight - it's not like we were actually boyfriend/girlfriend or anything.  I listened to the voicemail.  Here is the cliffnotes version (voicemail was around 4 minutes - long & rambly):

"Hey Jaime, it's Andrew...Sorry I've been MIA the past couple weeks, I've been super busy with work (Editor's sidenote:  Of course.)...thanks for sending me a text last week wishing me good luck, that was really nice of you.  Things went all right.  Yeah, I'm calling cause it's been really nice getting to know you, but I don't think it's going to work out.  I just didn't feel enough of a connection.  I didn't want to just not call again, so, uhh, that's why I'm calling (ES: isn't this apparent? did you really need to say that?)...you're a great girl, I'm sure you'll find someone (ES:  Oh fuck off.).  So yeah, I just wanted to wish you good luck."

Anyhow.  I couldn't help but wonder what the hell this was?!  Was this call really necessary?  I'm voting no.  It left me feeling much more annoyed than the thought of him not calling back again.  Who does this?  Isn't there a protocol for when one needs a breakup conversation?  And wouldn't this situation not qualify?  It could have potentially made sense immediately after our fourth date, but at this point, in my book, it truly didn't.

I ran this by quite a jury.  One of my female friends felt that, with the exception of the line about me being a great girl (hardly know you, dude - certainly wasn't concerned about your opinion of my value), it was respectful.  Some of my other friends felt it was foolish and illogical, but the guy meant well.  One of my male friends thought it was a very douche move (several of my female friends share this opinion as well).  Someone else raised an alternative idea.  As I said, he was not very communicative, and he was one of those who was 'super busy with work', so our dates were often short and ended early.  Someone suggested he was perhaps in a relationship and just one who was 'dabbling on the side'.  Maybe he 'broke up' with me out of fear that I would somehow call or text at the wrong time.

What are your thoughts?  Douche?  Nice guy who meant well?  When is a breakup convo necessary?  When is it borderline inappropriate?

It Happened.

I got contacted by a 60 year-old man on an online dating network.

The message:

Damn.  Wish you weren't 28.  Great pics.  Congrats.

********

At least the message is nice and quasi-appropriate (given the situation).  Although, I can't help but wonder - congrats for what?  For being quasi-photogenic?  For being on an online dating network?  For existing?

Additional note:  Not that people do this, but if men google the messages they send out on online dating networks, well, I am caught red-handed.  Oops.

Things Men Actually Say

While we're on the subject of online dating debacles....


Here's a message I received:

If all someone with a disability wanted for their birthday was to go on a date with you and you had the chance to help give them that birthday present, would you do it?


Obviously I'm going to go my usual route of 'completely ignore', but I thought maybe some could enjoy this.  The jury is out on whether this was a complete and total joke, or if it was a legitimate attempt at a pickup line.

Even More Online Dating

So as you all know....yadda yadda yadda.

Recently, I received a message from an, ahem, gentleman on an online dating site.

"Hey, How's it going?

Brent"


Now, normally I like a *little* more substance to the messages I receive, but whatever.  Anyhow, I looked at his profile.  I didn't see anything particularly interesting or that matched with me personally, so I just kind of ignored the message.

A mere two hours later (four hours from when the initial message was received), I get a notification that I've received another message.  From this offender.

(Important sidenote: on most online dating sites, the default is one can see who views one's profile and when - so he did see I viewed his profile and, well, didn't respond.)

'Not good looking enough for you, eh?'

Now, I'm, of course, going to continue to ignore.  However - what response was he looking for?  Yes?  What was the purpose of his message?  Was he going to convince me I was superficial, and, somehow, subsequently convince me to go out with him?  He was a very average looking guy, in my opinion.  I kind of want to say his looks are the least of his problems.   File this under: peculiar man behavior.

Dating Debacles, Part 846

Ok, so as my readers know, I dabble in online dating.  I'll try to keep this story brief.  I met a guy.  We emailed and texted a little.  I found him interesting and was excited.  He insisted we should talk on the phone.  You all know my feelings on this, outlined in an earlier post.  It didn't go particularly well, but I'd say that was partially my fault.  I am just not up for the phone.  Intro convos never do for me.  He said, at one point, that he could pick up that I am extremely serious (all my blog readers already know this, I'm sure).

Anyhow.  Despite a couple awkward pauses and him complaining that I was not laughing at his jokes (yep...) I still tried to be open-minded based on the good convos earlier.  It ended with:

Him:  So when am I gonna meet you?  Maybe we can grab a drink?
Me:  Sure, I'm up for a drink.
Him:  How about Tuesday or Wednesday?
Me:  I actually can't either of those days (accurate).  Maybe Thursday?
Him:  Hmm.  Let's play it by ear during the week....

(Ok, fine.  Whatever.  Ready to write him off....)

Tuesday, late afternoon.
Text from him:
Are we going to grab a drink tonight or tomorrow?
(Thought bubble:  Why am I responding?)
Me:  I can't either day.
Him:  That's why you're called the elusive one.
Me:  Ha.
Him:  Why don't you tell me when you're free.
(No response.)

Weds.
Him:  The Bull Valley Monster has struck again.
Me:  Bull Valley?
Him:  Weren't we talking about the bull valley monster?  I thought that was you.
Me:  I don't think so....

Thurs.  6:30.  PM.
Him:  Free for a drink tonight, Ms. Elusive?
Me:  I already made plans for tonight.  Next week sometime?
Him:  Way too much work for me.  Good luck.

I secretly wanted to text back 'anything in life having is worth working for', but I decided to let it go peacefully.  :-)

File this one under 'le sigh'.  I assume this is the kind of guy who says women play games and make things too complicated.  

Naked.

Ok - first let me say this story is not safe for work (or moms - sorry Mom).

Recently, one of my good friends told a story about how she met a guy at a party, began kissing him, and suddenly, out of the blue, he was naked.  This amused me - and I can honestly say I had a similar experience once.

I was hanging out with a group of people.  There was a guy who was there - a friend of a friend.  We'd met a couple times before; we seemed to be hitting it off.  He was cute and he definitely seemed like a nice guy - maybe a little on the shy side.  Soon we were sitting in his room, kissing.  It was all fairly innocent and had only been going on a short time, when, out of the blue, he suddenly stands up and strips down, stark naked.

Under normal circumstances, I would have bolted.  However, he definitely didn't seem aggressive or crazy - just maybe a little bit of a confused nice guy.  That, and I was kind of in shock at several aspects of the situation.

He seemed to be looking at me with expecting eyes.  Was he looking for me to comment on what I was seeing?  Or maybe for me to follow in (un)suit?  I think I just sat there with my jaw dropped (which, in hindsight, might not have been the best move).  The only thing I seemed to be able to muster was the one observation I made during the escapade.

'You don't wear underwear?'

'Uh...I guess...no.'

At that point, I think I started to giggle - and perhaps having a girl giggle whilst being in the presence of his naked body was too much for him to take, so as quickly as it all came off, it all went back on.  He then sat back down next to me and tried to pick up where he left off - casually kissing me.  However - needless to say, the mood got a little thrown and things ended pretty quickly.

As I said earlier, recently, a good friend had a similar situation.  Is this typical amongst some guys?  Do men think this is a good move?  Maybe something like 'chicks dig this move'?  Has anyone else had a similar experience?  Please, do share.  Is it a good move for a girl to randomly suddenly - oh, don't even bother answering that.  

A Book, Its Cover....

I got matched up with someone I know in real life on a dating website.

I'll keep it brief.  I don't know him very well, therefore there is definitely room for a margin of error.  He and I went to college together, we have a couple mutual friends but don't know each other personally.

From what I do know, I don't have the highest opinion of his ability to treat others with respect, act maturely, use good judgment, or be kind to girls he dates.

I must say - from his profile....  Never married, no kids, definitely wants kids.  Good education (duh, he went to college with me).  Lucrative career he is passionate about.   Good looking enough.  Feels grateful for his friends and family.  Likes to do volunteer work in his spare time (ok, he laid it on a little thick with this one).   Likes to travel and read.  In other words - he looks like a TOTAL CATCH.

Not that I didn't realize this could happen.  Not that this deception can't happen in real life encounters.  However,  I view it as a friendly reminder - when it comes to online dating, ladies, proceed with caution and don't get too wrapped up in the perfect profile....

Shady.

So I have a good friend who is currently single. She decided to try online dating. A man contacted her. They started having the typical brief get-to-know you chatter. He asks her for a picture to see what she looks like. She asks him for an email address. He gives it. Naturally, she logs in to Facebook and runs a search. A public profile immediately pops up, with a recognizable picture.

Drumroll please....

He has a girlfriend. His default profile pic is him and her. It's clear that he's logged in recently.

First off - what's with the shady guys?!  Is he just shady because he can be?  If he's not happy with his gf, why not just break up with her?  And if he wants to argue he can't break up with her for some reason, how is mistreating her better, or at least, justified?

Second off - and more importantly - the question came up:  should she contact the girlfriend and tell her? Most people would say no.  Mind one's own business.  There's no way she'll believe a random person over her own boyfriend.  He'll just say he's never met or heard of my friend, and my friend will seem like the psycho.  However, is there some good samaritan obligation here - this poor girl is wasting her time and giving herself to this shady guy - shouldn't my friend warn her?  Also, I do know some people who have been in relationships where there was shadiness the entire duration and when it was over, the question of 'How could I waste so much of my time on this person?  Why didn't anyone say something to me?' came up.  Also, although my friend probably won't have enough credibility in this random girl's eyes, she will probably raise some questions that might lead this girl to further investigate and discover the truth.  That, and it bothers me that shady guys can exist - I believe there's an expression - men like this can exist in this world when good women do nothing.

Your thoughts?  Should my friend cold call this girlfriend?  Will it do any good?  What would you do in her situation?  Why are there all these shady guys all of a sudden?  Have they always existed?  Is it because the internet makes it easier?  Or does the internet make things more difficult because of facebook, etc.?

Are Men @ssholes?

According to glamour magazine, roughly 16% of men are assholes (their words).

Even though the whole article doesn't seem all that scientific, I could see this being accurate.

Here's the signs that a guy may be an asshole:
1)  He only wants sex
2)  He's a chronic drunk dialer
3)  He texts and bails
4)  You're always making excuses for him
5)  He makes you feel like crap

Now, in the spirit of protecting the guilty, I can think of at least one person's boyfriend who has an, ahem, perfect score on this.  I think #4 is especially true.  If one has to tell others that her guy is not all that bad, that pretty much says it all.  I can think of a couple friends, even, who might complain about their guys about little things and, ultimately, I think their guys are better than they get credit for.  However, whenever a friend goes out of her way to point out that her boyfriend is wonderful, I know that's the first immediate red flag.  I never trust anyone who goes out of her way to point out how spectacular her boyfriend/relationship is or how incredibly happy she is.  Generally speaking, I think people who are nitpicking and complaining about little petty things are oftentimes in the ones sitting in the most enviable positions (both in relationships and in life) .  Tanget.  Anyhow.

Agree or disagree with this list?  Agree or disagree with this percentage of less than favorable men?  Anyone feel she's met all 16% of them?  

I Don't Date Men Not on Facebook.

I was at a lovely Chicago street fair.  I ended up talking to a (seemingly) nice young gentleman.  He was cute and flirtatious.   I asked him what he did for a living.  He's a lawyer.  When he talked more in-depth about his job (quite voluntarily, I might add), I discovered he works with my cousin.   They are in the same department.  I mentioned I'd be seeing her the next day at a family party.  I said I'd mention to her that, small world, I'd met him.  He even relayed an inside joke from work to tease her about.   Important detail to mention - he did this all whilst flirting with me, buying me drinks, asking for my number, attempting to kis me, and suggesting he take me out to dinner.

The next day, I, indeed, see said cousin (a woman around my age, recently happily married with a newborn baby).  I mention said man to her.  Long story short - he has a girlfriend.  In another city.  Long distance relationship.  SERIOUSLY!?  Seriously.  Not that he couldn't have a girlfriend.  But the fact that he knew my cousin/his coworker knew this, he knew I'd be talking to her, etc... ay yi yi.

Anyhow.  So I assumed, at this point, this was basically an instance of him having tried to have a one-night fling on a night out (definitely didn't go that far) and that I'd never hear from him again.

Oh no.  He texted.  He said he needs to take me out to dinner.  Instead of starting some big confrontation with a virtual stranger that nothing happened with that I'd most likely never see again who clearly isn't interested in changing his ways, I decided to just pretty much ignore him or shoot him one word answers so he'd get the hint.   He kept persevering for a little bit, but, as of press time, I haven't  heard from him in almost a week.

That brings me to my point.  Men living double-lives/dating multiple women.   Something I've learned over the past couple years - they are much more common than I realized.   I've had a couple people I know who've dated a man for a while that they thought was their committed boyfriend and it turned out there was another woman who thought the exact same thing.  I don't really understand how it's worth it for a person to have to maintain so many lies with multiple people, but alas, that's another blog post in and of itself.

Anyhow - one thing I realize about all of these men - they are not on facebook.  Because facebook makes it difficult for people to maintain multiple lives.  A guy can't really tell one of his girlfriends 'hey honey, whatever you do, don't post that nice picture of us together' (because one of my other ladies might see it) without encountering 'but why not, sweetie, we look so great together in it!'.  So, these men generally avoid having an internet presence, often times under the guise that they can't 'because of their important career'.  That was the immediate response of this man when I asked him if he was facebook friends with my cousin.  "Oh, I can't have facebook, I'm a lawyer."   That being said, I know plenty of serious doctors, lawyers (for example, my cousin), teachers, students, and business professionals who, gasp, have facebook.   As a general rule, whenever I meet a man under 30 without facebook, I immediately wonder what he has to hide (or how technologically inept he is).  

In short, based on the experiences of some people I know, as well as this dude, I now have a 'mandatory facebook' dating rule.  I am alone in this rule?  Anyone else on board?  Does anyone know someone successfully maintaining shady behavior with an internet presence?   Anyone else encountered men living double lives?  (Through the experiences of a couple people I know - they definitely exist!)

Being a Blogger, Part 2

So, whilst being a part of the 'blogging community' (if you will) - I discovered someone else's brilliant blog:

My Very Worst Date

Dear two gentleman who I'll hopefully never see again who shall remain nameless:

Your stories are about to be told.  I will gently change your names because I believe in protecting the (not-so) innocent.

You're Welcome,

Jaime

(Editor's sidenote:  How are there two 'worsts'?  By definition, that doesn't work, you say?  Explanation to come.  Cliff notes version:  one was worse to spend time with, but the other left me with the bill - so, give and take.)  

I Have a Theory About Match.com....

Ok, disclaimer - I COULD be wrong.  This is JUST a theory.  However....

My theory is match.com (and quite possibly quite a few other dating sites, but who knows) purposely show you 'non-matches' at first.  This way (I'm not sure the exact term for this, but I'm sure there's some psychological term for it) when they show you actual matches, they seem better by compare/contrast factor.

When I very briefly did match, I only put in a couple requirements - within 10 miles of my zipcode (Chicago), 24-40, never married, no children.  This should, in theory, fit a lot.  Yet I didn't feel I got that many matches, and I felt I kept getting quite a few men outside these parameters.  Divorced dad in Plainfield, age 45.  Not so much.  Anyhow.  I am not sure, exactly, if the people at match are purposely doing something funny, but I have my questions.

Also.  I remember the first time I went out and about looking for an apartment in Chicago with an apartment finder service.  The first couple units they showed me were tiny holes in the wall that were way over-priced.  They then showed me something decent that was much more competitively priced - which, comparatively speaking, seemed like an oasis in the dessert.  I almost wonder if these companies purposely rent and maintain crappy units just to show everyone first off the bat, so they are more apt to 'jump' at something decent available.

Anyhow.  I could be wrong.  I am curious if anyone else had similar experiences.  I shouldn't talk too much, though, because I may return to the world of online dating come January.  I figure it's like joining a gym - there's a time when there'll be specials, so I will, at the very least, wait for said specials.

It Starts with a Wink.

So, recently, as most of my readers know - I tried online dating.  My headline was 'If this doesn't work out well, at least it will serve as material for my blog'.

Here we go now.

First off, I did one of the more popular, more well-known sites.  For legal purposes, I will not name said site.  I am sure my very intelligent readers can make assumptions.  Anyhow.

Here are some thoughts:

-I felt like I kept seeing the same people/profiles whenever I ran a search.  I really didn't put too much into the filter.  I said 24-40, never married, no children, within 10 miles of my zip code.  I would think, with the popularity of this website, this would lend lots of options.  Again, I can't give you an exact number on how many profiles came up, but I felt the same ones kept resurfacing.   Maybe it was mind over matter, but others I spoke with have listed a similar complaint.  Also, I know one of my male coworkers is part of the site.  He falls directly into the demographic I set - I find it interesting he has never shown up in my searches. 

-There was a period of time in which I wasn't an actual member, but had a profile, could wink for free, but couldn't actually speak with someone who emailed me.  I imagine this greatly confuses people - for there is no real way to differentiate if you're attempting to contact someone on a free trial or an actual paying member.  It's hard to say if one is being ignored/snubbed/what have you.

-I am not sure what puts one's profile in a more high-traffic area, etc.  However, I believe it in some way correlates with how often a person logs in.  HOWEVER.  Right now, I quit.  I wrote my reason for quitting being that I am not ready for this right now, but maybe again soon.  I am constantly getting wink/email/'he chose you' notifications (which imply my profile is getting a good amount of traffic).  So, my thinking is the people who aren't actual members are in a higher traffic area for the sake of enticing them to join (someone emailed you!!!  join now!!).

-I kept getting interests from men who did not fit my requirements (I realize this is no fault of the site) - however, annoying.  Divorced 50-something dad in Plainfield!  Did you not read my profile and what I am seeking (or, more specifically, NOT seeking?)

-That, and I wonder what is best if there is a non-reciprocated interest.  'No thanks', or a complete and total ignore?  I realize this also a 'dating in general issue' moreso than this website's issue.

-Also (again, not limited to the site) there is the whole issue of if the person you are speaking with is also speaking to multiple people/dating multiple people/still remaining a member of the site whilst hanging out with you.  Sigh.

-Another confusion (and I realize this makes for a 'men' complaint/confusion) is what is protocol with men and dating.  Traditionally, it is the man's job to ask for a date, suggest the date plan, contact for a second, third, etc., date.  Does that keep with this site's protocol?  Most of my male friends who have tried dating sites will state that they are not always comfortable with meeting women/asking them out (and that is their reason for trying said site), so I find it very hard to read men's 'signals' on this.  I feel so much can be inferred from an email/the amount of time between responses/etc. 

Anyhow.  In short, this site, and the concept of dating websites, frustrated me, so I quit.   I do not like the concept, but it's less that I don't like the concept for myself and moreso that I don't like their concept as a part of society (because 'everyone's doing it' - or at least every single person, so no one's making an effort in more traditional ways).  Maybe that just makes me like one of those people boycotting facebook.  I dunno.  Anyhow. 

I'll probably return to the site in a month or so, simply out of boredom.  Update/more complaints to come.

All This Talk of Crushes....

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the hottest one of all?

How could I forget you, my lovely?

My Favorite Article of Men's Clothing

Cufflinks.

I love them.  They are a little tiny piece of flair, and not the kind you find at TGIFridays.  It's a way to see who isn't really the uptight, serious business man he appears to be.  Kind of like the 'business in the front, party in the back' concept associated with the mullet.  It's a little way for one to show his personality - I feel I know more about a man when looking at his cufflinks.  A man who wears cufflinks cares about his appearance.

Anyhow - am I the only woman out there who finds cufflinks to be a total turn on?  They are like the antithesis of zubaz....