Time for a Seinfeld Quote

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

This weekend, there will be some Jaime public speaking.  If there's public documentation and it's not too horrible, I'll provide it afterward.  When I was younger, I would have TOTALLY freaked out about something like this.  Now, at this older, wiser, more confident place - I'm only quasi-freaking out.

The Worst Part of A First Date.

...taken directly from Seinfeld:


Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Elaine: You can say that again.
Jerry: It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.
Elaine: Good for you.
Jerry: I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.

Some other Takes on the Exclamation Point

Elaine: See, right here you wrote "Myra had the baby", but you didn't use an exclamation point.
Jake: So?
Elaine: So, it's nothing. Forget it, forget it, I just find it curious.
Jake: What's so curious about it?
Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Jake: Ok, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!

Jerry: You're out of your mind you know that.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: It's an exclamation point! It's a line with a dot under it.
Elaine: Well, I felt a call for one.
Jerry: A call for one, you know I thought I've heard everything. I've never heard a relationship being affected by a punctuation.
Elaine: I found it very troubling that he didn't use one.

*Pendant publishing. Elaine is at Lippman's office.*

Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?

Lippman: I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely.

Elaine: Yes, krhm, yes I did.

Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit, um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.

Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.

Lippman: Oh, "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"

Elaine: Right, well...

Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?

Elaine: That's that's correct, I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly...

Lippman: I see, "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Exclamation point?

Elaine: Well, yeah, you know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then *prrt* nothing comes out...

Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points...

Elaine: Ok, ok ok ...

Lippman: I hate exclamation points...

Elaine: ...ok I'll just....

Back to one of my Favorite Subjects

Facebook.

I thoroughly enjoy that new feature that allows users to like other user's comments in response to someone's status.   Not because I necessarily wanted to 'like' others' comments, but because others - strangers - are now liking my comments! (!!!!)  It makes me feel so clever and witty.   It's the equivalent of a (non-mary kay) stranger stopping to pay a compliment - I must have been REALLY good!!  That, and I also feel like it's a nice segue into making new friends, which I feel is secretly the mission of facebook - the free, platonic version of matchdotcom - like is the new wink.  Maybe I'm reading too much into a small gesture.  Maybe I'm moving too fast.  Sigh, this was presumptuous on my part.

Anyhow.

To this date, I can recall being 'liked' by a stranger three times.  Once was in a spirited debate about religion (I won't go there), once was a Friends quote, once was a Seinfeld quote.  I think this shows my diversity nicely.

Answering Machines

I believe Seinfeld did a bit on this (actually, I think his bit was on the word 'over' at the bottom of a handwritten note's first page, but let's just say this is the updated version)....

Do we REALLY need an explanation on what to do when one reaches an answering machine?  REALLY?  Is anyone out there, living in a civilized society, confused about 'wait for the beep, leave a message'?   Is there anyone out there who uses a phone who doesn't already have experience dealing with these things?  I can't imagine someone having a moment of 'ah?!  so-and-so isn't answering, but this thing is - WHAT do I do now?  I want to leave a message, but I'm just not sure how.'

Please let me know if you've ever experienced said moment.

A Lovely Birthday Gift From My Mother

Undateable.  311 Things Guys do that Guarantee They Won't be Dating or Having Sex
By:  Ellen Rakieten & Anne Coyle

Elaine:  So basically, what you're saying is that 95% of the population is undateable?

Jerry:  UNDATEABLE!

Elaine:  So how are all these people getting together?

Jerry:  Alcohol!

I can't wait to read it!

Random Inquiry

Ever notice how there are some people who are fans of what seem to be completely random sports teams from other parts of the country?! Like, I get it when people are fans of a team from the state they grew up in, or something to that extent. However, I know there are others who have huge allegiances to teams with not personal ties to the city or college associated with it. Now, I get it if there's a certain player or certain team dynamic that a person can appreciate - however, these things often change over from year to year. I dunno, maybe this just has to do with me not being very into team sports to begin with. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld - are we cheering for the clothes?

Jerry Seinfeld Raises an Interesting Point

"When you're in your thirties, it's very hard to make a new friend. Whatever the
group is that you've got now, that's who you're going with. You're not
interviewing, you're not looking at any new people, you're not interested in
seeing any applications. They don't know the places. They don't know the food.
They don't know the activities. If I meet a guy in a club on the gym or
some place - I'm sure you're a very nice person, you seem to have a lot of
potential, but we're just not hiring right now.

Of course when you're a kid, you can be friends with anybody. Remember when you were a little kid what were the qualifications? If someone's in front of my house NOW, that's my friend! They're my friend. That's it. Are you a grown up? No. Great! Come on in. Jump up and down on my bed. And if you have anything in common at all, You like Cherry Soda? I like Cherry Soda! We'll be best friends!"

Generally speaking - am I the only one who agrees that making actual, serious friends in adulthood is pretty difficult? Feel free to mock me on this one, but I think I'm not alone. I'm not talking friends as in coworkers, aquaintances, etc., but serious friendships - people you voluntarily see regularly. People a person could call at 4 am. People who would drive you to the airport. People who would help a person move (....).

Anyhow. Is it just me? I feel like it's easy to drift apart/lose touch/have falling outs with people - but is it easy to acquire new people into the group. Also, people live in other parts of the country or are in different stages of their lives, so it's harder to stay close. I feel like I know a lot of people who have claimed they feel like they don't have many friends any more and that their significant other is one of the only people they spend time with. Is it difficult to keep/make friends during adulthood? Are everyone's groups of friends pretty much set? Your thoughts.

The Home of Jerry Seinfeld

I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, there are no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"




The funniest thing - this was the listed address for the 'soup kitchen' (as in, no soup for you!). Apparently, the storefront is changing hands. Two Seinfeld references at one address!



Look to the cookie!



He chose 'Bit O Honey' at Dylan's Candy Bar (as in 'Bee Movie').



What's a 3-letter word for candy?



Why are you talking about my shoes? My Botticelli shoes. You've been talking about my Botticelli shoes!

Summer of Love

So this past weekend, I had a bachelorette party Friday night and an engagement party on Saturday (which I will touch more on later). However, during the engagement party, I happened to see a large boat traveling down the Chicago river (not at all unusual). As I looked closer, I noticed there was a wedding taking place on said barge. How romantic and fun! I thought this was a cute place to get married. As I looked closer at the boat, I couldn't help but notice a certain hilarity to it (NOT keeping with the theme of romance).



For me, this is the icing on the cake. When I meet my future husband, I am going to have to look into renting out this one.

Love Stories from George Costanza

Jerry (Seinfeld) and George, in reference to a woman Jerry just met:

GEORGE: Yes! I see enormous potential here.

JERRY: Why?

GEORGE: Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.


I don't know about you, but I'm kind of on the same wavelength as George on this one. I agree with him - this is why I won't do online dating - what kind of a story is that? No offense to anyone who has met this way - I have friends who are good people who have met spouses this way. However, I am holding out hope for a good, exciting story.

Huskie Pride, Cont'd?

From suntimes.com:

April 14, 2009

Marlee Matlin, who grew up in Chicago's north suburbs, says she was molested by a female baby-sitter at age 11.

"I remember feeling very, very violent and very disgusted," the Oscar winner tells "Access Hollywood."

The disclosure comes as Matlin releases a memoir, I'll Scream Later.

She also says she lost her virginity to a teacher in high school. "I was older and I knew about sex. ... I didn't really understand it wasn't right," she says.

She did not specify the school, but Matlin is a graduate of John Hersey High in Arlington Heights.

Just as I was thinking Oscar-winning actress Marlee Matlin (well, I know her as the tennis ball-girl on Seinfeld and a contestant on Dancing with the Stars) could save our school's name....

America's Favorite Condiment?

So, there's an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry and George go back and forth about salsa surpassing ketchup as "America's Favorite Condiment". I googled "America's Favorite Condiment" and got mixed results - all salsa and ketchup. Now, let me tell you firsthand, nothing against salsa or ketchup, but after five years of waiting tables at Chili's (with plenty of both former condiments on hand, mind you), I know that neither of these are America's fav. That title, my friend, belongs to the one and only....



RANCH DRESSING.

People put it on everything. Pizza. Tortilla chips. Black Beans. It was FAR AND AWAY the most requested and used condiment. Hands down. Maybe it's a midwestern thing. I dunno. But I do know this - it's my favorite too. :-)

In Case the 'Professional Listener' Doesn't Appeal....

George Costanza, on possibly switching career paths:

George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a colour man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do you like?
George: Movies. I like to watch movies.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah.
George: Do they pay people to watch movies?
Jerry: Projectionists.
George: That's true.
Jerry: But you gotta know how to work the projector.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's probably a union thing.
George: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports, movies… what about a talk show host?
Jerry: Talk show host. That's good.
George: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.
Jerry: Really?
George: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?
Jerry: Well, that's where it gets tricky.
George: You can't just walk into a building and say "I wanna be a talk show host".
Jerry: I wouldn't think so.
George: It's all politics.
Jerry: All right, okay. Sports, movies, talk show host. What else?
George: This could have been a huge mistake.
Jerry: Well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.

Expressions I Hate....

"Can't See the Forest for the Trees"

People don't really use this much any more. Don't get me wrong, I get what it means, generally (something to the extent of 'missing the point'), but it doesn't make sense. I really hate it. Where did it come from? Why? Why did, at some point, people use it like crazy?

Thoughts for These Tough Times

(It all started when I was born....

Resume, not Autobiography)

Ok, so there are unfortunately a lot of people out of work for the first time in a long time - some of whom had previously been with the same company for many years.  For a lot of people, interviewing for a job takes some practice.  There are, of course, some people who are very hard-working and talented but just don't interview well.  Conversely, there are people who are very good at interviewing but not so great of employees.  

Actually, if you think about it - people who are constantly between jobs or trying to get a new job before getting let go probably have a lot of experience with interviewing and have really developed their skill.  Perhaps an employer should be wary of the excellent interviewee.

Those who have been employed at the same company for 10+ years haven't been on an interview (most likely) in that amount of time (or a least not more than a handful of them) and are most likely out of practice.  Even if these people interviewed for promotions within their companies - internal candidate interviews are much more direct and less nerve-wracking - since the person is already known, less is overanalyzed.  

Now, to protect the guilty, I won't get too into it - but in my past, I have definitely had experience with working alongside what must have been the 'professional interviewee' - some real George Costanzas, if you will.  I believe a good friend and loyal blog reader Emily will vouch for having had a similar experience.  The individual was nice and pleasant upon first meeting; it was quite understandable how the person could get through the requisite hour-long first impression.  However, the complete and total lack of any basic understanding of how to do said job combined with whatever ignorance, incompetence, and/or lack of effort that prevented him or her from becoming good at the job made for a workplace problem.

Perhaps it's not the interview that really determines who will be a good hiring choice, although the interview definitely seems to be a necessary part of the hiring process.  

Have You Ever Noticed?

There's something empowering about being disliked by someone.  Now, I'm not talking about your boss of your boyfriend's mom (that's not good).   I'm not talking about the girl you stole the boyfriend of (that's expected).   I'm talking about when you discover a completely random, unexpected person hates you for no particular reason.

Now, don't get me wrong - it's not that I rejoice in this.  However, a person has to CARE to not like you.  

It's especially interesting when it involves someone you don't necessarily see regularly.  Surely, it's easy to be bothered by the regular annoying qualities of a coworker or a classmate.  However, to carry a dislike for someone who is no longer a part of your life seems to be reserved for those who've committed only a handful of serious offenses against you.  

Although there were plenty of people from both high school and college who I didn't exactly like at the time being, I can honestly say I can't think of anyone I actively dislike from either place (and I am still looking for someone who will describe me as 'forgiving').   Anyone who wasn't to my liking is no longer in my life at this point, and the people who aren't in my life aren't worth the energy for the most point.

However, once in a while, we'll all come along a little nougat of info that someone we haven't seen/talked to/even thought of in forever REALLY DOESN'T LIKE US.  There's some satisfaction in knowing that we must, on some level, albeit negatively, matter to that person.  

As I'm  sure you've inferred, this has happened to me recently.  Of course, despite what I've mentioned above, this situation is of course clouded by the ever-persistent human question - "why?"   

Bizarro Work Perks

So a good friend of mine who shall remain nameless received a 20 lb turkey (!?!?!)  from her company as a Thanksgiving bonus.   Although this is great if one is hosting a Thanksgiving party, I imagine it to be a bit awkward if one already is going by someone else for Thanksgiving - there's suddenly an odd obligation to cook this large bird....  Also, what about vegetarians?

However, I know this is not uncommon.  I get an unlimited supply of free/$1 brand new hardcover books (which I find to be the BEST PERK IN THE WORLD).   That, and I get to sometimes ride the elevator with Richard Roeper.  Oh, not to mention the Jerry Seinfeld Bee Movie meet and greet - that was, as Mastercard would say, priceless.  

Anyone else have any interesting/bizarre work perks?

Blah

So now that the general election is over, I'm a little at a loss for what to blog about.... (some of you might be happy about this).

What else do I blog about?  Random annoyances?  Dating and relationships?  Feminist rants?  Completely random comments?  

What exactly is this blog about?  Someone asked me that this weekend and I wasn't sure what to say....  Do the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld ring true here?

Frenemies - Part One

So, as usual, I have been reading a book.  It is book #8 of the year - I am getting back on track to my goal of reading 12 books this year.  Woohoo!

Anyhow, the book is entitled "Friend or Frenemy?" and it reads much like a magazine (which makes sense because one of the writers works for Cosmo), especially with the font variations and layout.  It offers up some hilarious observations about friend relationships.  I am not sure if this book is supposed to offer up some advice or has a thesis of any kind; however, it sure was a pleasure to read.  I do realize that MY readers might not be all that interested in hearing my personal detailed literary critique of every book I pick up, so I will save that for amazon.  :)

Anyhow, there is an interesting point from the book I'd like to touch on.    The authors talk about dealing with the end of a friendship; however, not just drifting apart, losing friends to marriage or geographical distance, or major fallouts, but also actually 'breaking up with a friend'.  They go on to give advice on how to do so (pick a neutral place to do it, not a location you frequented together during the friendship, 'it's not you, it's me', etc.).

Please correct me if I'm wrong - this NEVER happens this way.  I believe that my celebrity crush (if you've been reading this blog carefully, you know who this is) outlined in his early career that this just CAN'T be done.  Friendships can end for many reasons, but it's usually the result of some form of an angry confrontation ("I never want to speak to you again!")  or casual drifting (which can sometimes be an intentional way of ending a friendship with someone whom you no longer want in your life). 

However, the conversation we have to end a failing relationship - "it just isn't working, this isn't what I want right now, we don't have enough in common, it's not you, it's me, etc etc." - is never used to end a friendship, no?  I think mostly because we can break up with people we do genuinely like, just not romantically, and we can use the old 'let's just be friends'.  Cause, in theory, you can only be dating one person, but you can be friends with many.  If you don't want to be friends with someone, it's not that you don't like them enough, it's that you don't like them AT ALL.  

I'll elaborate more in a later post (I'm getting the message that people don't like long rambling posts), but I am just wondering - food for thought (I don't understand that expression either) - has anyone out there ever broken up with a friend? (without it being a major blowout)