National Best Friend Day

Apparently, recently, it was national best friend day.

Instead of making some sweet, sentimental comment about friendship, how great my friends are (they are!), or how much they mean to me (they do!) - let me ask this:  what's with the emergence of all these randomass holidays?  Is the marketing team at Hallmark working overtime?  Are there more Leslie Knopes out there than we realized?

Does anyone actually observe these holidays?  I'm not talking observe in a cheesy-facebook-post-style celebration - I'm talking buys cards/flowers/gifts etc.  I'm secretly hoping not.  Let's not be suckers, fellow consumers.  Unless, of course, anyone wants to shower me with some presents.  That's a whole 'nother story, dear FRIENDS, especially on a day like this.  Nudge nudge.  Wink wink.

Come Back, Ellen!

One of my very good friends, Ellen, just left the United States to go teach in Korea for a year.  I cannot believe it will be a whole entire year before I see her again.  I am sad.  I am supportive.  But I am sad.  We have really connected over the past two years.

Ellen will point out here that I can come visit her in Korea.  If anyone would like to donate to the 'send Jaime to Korea' fund, please contact me directly.

The Silent Treatment, Part 2

So earlier today in cosmo (my bible, as Jay Leno would say), I read an article about what to do when one's man gives 'the silent treatment'.

This raised quite a few questions for me.  Do men give the silent treatment?  I just thought they got into bad moods on occasions.  I didn't think they went out of their way to be 'SO not talking to you'.  I thought that was primarily a woman's domain.  Anyhow.

This article went on to address 'the best ways to react to the silent treatment'.  This leads to the ultimate question - what is the best way to handle receiving 'the silent treatment'?  Whenever someone is giving it to me, I have a tendency to completely ignore it because I think it's childish (one should address the problem directly if something is upsetting him/her).  

However, I can think of a time in somewhat recent history when I gave someone the silent treatment (yes, I hear and see the extreme hypocrisy) and it worked out getting the end result I was looking for.  I can also think of a time quite a few years ago when someone I cared about was clearly upset with something to do with me, and, for the reasons stated earlier, I chose to ignore it; and now, said person and I are no longer speaking.

What are your thoughts?  Is the silent treatment effective?  Is it a good means of handling a situation?  Do you use it?  What is the best way to react to the silent treatment?  

This Was Great, We Should Do This Again Sometime!

So maybe I've been watching a little too much Friends on Nick at Nite....

So, there's the episode where Chandler goes on a date with a woman he ends up not being interest in (Rachel's boss).   At the end of said date, he says 'This was great, I'll give you a call, we should do this again sometime.'  And then, of course, he never calls.

Recently, I went out with a guy.  Towards the end, he brought up that he was having a great time, he would like to hang out again.  As we walked out, he mentioned a restaurant we'd both spoken about earlier in the evening - we should go there together sometime soon.  We went our separate ways (just a friendly goodbye hug - no one night stand, if your mind is going there ;-) ).

Drumroll, please.

As you might expect, he never called.

I can also think of a time I ran into a coworker with which I was acquaintances.   We chatted briefly and he brought up that we should totally get together and catch up for lunch or a happy hour.  Sure, I'd be up for it.  Then as we parted ways, he, again, said we should totally hang out.  Sure, drop me a line.  He has my phone number, email, and facebook.  This was three months ago - no word on the matter.  There had also been times when we'd worked together and we'd spoken of having lunch or going for coffee and it never happened.

One could very easily say I'm reading way too much into this - it simply slipped his mind, he got busy, he's just bad about making plans, etc.  I would even say this, however, he and I have another mutual friend who mentioned him and cited the exact same annoyance - he brings up 'we should hang out' and he doesn't follow through and is flaky when my other friend reaches out and tries to initiate.  This other mutual friend even cited the exact same Friends episode as a reference to him.

My other mutual friend said 'I don't get 'Joe's' deal - it's fine if he doesn't want to be friends with me or hang out, but why does he then bring it up?  I can't really tell if he actually likes me or not.'

Your thoughts? Why do some people talk about making plans and hanging out when they have no intention or desire?  I could see smiling and nodding and going along with it if the other person brought it up, but why suggest it when one has no intention?  Anyone else deal with these kind of people?  I can honestly say I certainly didn't mind that said guy never called me and, although I like said former coworker, it certainly isn't a big deal to me that we never got together.  However, a small part of me ends up feeling annoyed that these people are liars (or something like that).  Your thoughts?

An Honest Question About Gossip

A while ago, I wrote this post about getting together about my girlfriends and how, occasionally, we have the bad habit of sometimes talking about 'the one who isn't there'.

Recently, my friend Jeannine (who is responsible for the 'someecards kick' this blog has been on) sent out an email to our group of girlfriends saying 'this made me think of our group of girls'.  My friend Laura replied 'Wow, this is sad.  Or is it normal?'

That is what I am wondering.  I'd love to pretend I'm innocent of talking about my girlfriends behind their back.  I am not.  It's not malicious.  Sometimes it's out of concern.  Or, at the very least, in 'harmless', goodnatured fun.  Is this the standard amongst all groups of girlfriends?  Is it that every group, on occasion, gossips about each other behind one's back?  Is this, in part, 'not being a good friend'?  Is anyone immune to the gossip bug?  Your thoughts?

No Jaime Judging.

So I have a group of three high school girlfriends.  We are a tightknit crew.  We don't get to all be in the same place at the same time very often.  It is complicated as adults.

Once in a while, it will so happen that the three of them will get together without me for whatever reason.  It mostly ends up that I am invited but cannot make it.   Said incident is happening right now.

Whenever this happens, I always say the exact same thing to them:

Please don't talk about me too much.

It is a half-joking sentiment - A)  because I know, if anything, this has encouraged the opposite and 2) because I know there really is no way to stop it.

I don't think this group of friends is particularly gossipy, especially not in comparison to other girl groups I have experienced in life.   I feel all women are like this.  And, truth be told, as much as I don't like to think I'm being gossiped about, it really has little to no impact on my life.  That, and let's be honest, I am not interesting enough to be gossiped about.  I hope to one day be exciting enough to be featured on perez hilton.  Even if if it's in a bad light.  There's no such thing as bad publicity.

Anyhow.  I digress.  Does anyone else feel the same way at times?  Does anyone else ask her girlfriends, or anyone in general, not to talk about her?  Does anyone know of a group of girls that doesn't occasionally gossip about whoever is not there?  Can they possibly be any fun at all?!  Do any women not gossip?   Your thoughts?

This Just in....

Directly from Glamour Magazine:

Hey, it's ok...
...to tell your friend her boyfriend is horrible, if he is.

You'll have to excuse me.  I have at least one phone call to make.

Friendship

So recently, a good friend commented to me on how a good friend of hers completely went over the deep end.  She concluded the statement with 'if I ever go over the deep end like this, please be the voice of reason'.

I have, on multiple occasions, witnessed various friends go over said deep end.  I have handled the situation in various different ways each time.

I have come to a conclusion.  What can be done when a friend goes over the deep end?

Say nothing.  Smile, nod, and say nothing.

Please let me know if you disagree or have possibly had an experience in which a friend has replied "why yes, you are right, I AM going over the deep end, thank you so much for pointing it out".

Honesty.

So, I have learned (unfortunately often times the hard way) that there are some honest things that shouldn't be said to friends.

The line that usually gets me in trouble the most is 'your boyfriend sucks'.  My defense is always that I think the guy said friend is with does not treat her the way deserves and/or is not good enough for her, and that I truly believe she can find someone better.  Alas, regardless, trouble usually ensues.

Anyhow.

I have *almost* learned to hold my tongue.  However, I can't help but feel guilty when I'm not being completely honest with a friend.  I feel as though I'm being a bad friend sitting by and watching and not saying anything.  Isn't it the job of a friend to tell the truth, even when it's hard?  I especially feel bad when, hypothetically speaking - let's say a friend breaks up with her boyfriend, and I then say 'it didn't seem right' and she then says 'why didn't you say something?!'    But would she have listened?  Does anyone ever?  On this same note, I do know how I personally feel about unrequested advice on how to live (read: not good).

That being said, I always wonder what people who care about me are thinking but not saying.  A small part of me would love some anonymous blatant honesty - a larger part of me would not.

I also think I'd secretly like to write a post of honest things I'm thinking but I know I shouldn't say, not specifying the individuals they are directed at - however, I also know I'd get myself in a lot of trouble on this one.

Anyhow.  Which is more important in friendship - being honest or respecting someone's feelings?

Back to one of my Favorite Subjects

Facebook.

I thoroughly enjoy that new feature that allows users to like other user's comments in response to someone's status.   Not because I necessarily wanted to 'like' others' comments, but because others - strangers - are now liking my comments! (!!!!)  It makes me feel so clever and witty.   It's the equivalent of a (non-mary kay) stranger stopping to pay a compliment - I must have been REALLY good!!  That, and I also feel like it's a nice segue into making new friends, which I feel is secretly the mission of facebook - the free, platonic version of matchdotcom - like is the new wink.  Maybe I'm reading too much into a small gesture.  Maybe I'm moving too fast.  Sigh, this was presumptuous on my part.

Anyhow.

To this date, I can recall being 'liked' by a stranger three times.  Once was in a spirited debate about religion (I won't go there), once was a Friends quote, once was a Seinfeld quote.  I think this shows my diversity nicely.

Happy Friendiversary!!!

Four years ago, in June 2006, two early twenties, lost, confused girls had a run in at the fax machine in a very gray office building.

J:  Hi.
E:  I'll be done with the fax machine in a minute.
J:  No, I meant hi.

Despite the rough start, a mere couple months later, said two girls started carpooling the first week of September. 

Happy friendiversary, Emily!

There are Two Types of People in this World....

....those who sit on the computer all day whilst at work, and those who don't.

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but walk with me for a second here....

I was recently speaking with a good friend (who shall remain nameless).  She complained that she feels slightly out of the loop because she can't sit on gchat all day, as the rest of her girlfriends can.

I think of my high school girlfriends - our group of four.   Three of us are in the former group - one in the latter.  The one in the latter always complains she feels like she hasn't talked to us in forever and doesn't know what's going on as well as the others do.  This isn't really a big deal since we all still speak with each other on the phone or in person. 

Anyhow.  I can see this having a more profound effect on some other friendships and how they're shaped.  I am sure there are some more severe cases out there.  It is almost having as much of an effect as physical distance - even though we might keep in touch with friends in other states and still consider them out best friends, they aren't as much a part of our lives at times because of it.  Your thoughts?

Boredom on the Horizon....

Emily is going to Europe to visit her sister for two weeks.

I am inconsolable.  What the FLOCK am I supposed to do while she's gone?  AHH.  All of our lakeview byobs are going to not hit their monthly sales because of this.  I need to find a 'rent a friend' website for this half-month (half a month?!?!  ARGH!!).  Like 'bag borrow steal'.  Do these websites exist?  Can I create one and make some money maybe?

Hmm.  I shall explore this entrepreneurial opportunity.  We all know I'm about to have some time on my hands.  Sigh.

The Purpose of Facebook

So, recently, one of my good friends did a facebook 'clean-up', in which he deleted a large quantity of friends - basically everyone he hasn't spoken to recently/was never close friends with. So, right now, he's down to, let's say, under 200 friends.

I find this to be an interesting concept. I know some other people who've done the same. I also thought about doing a friend cleanup (mainly deleting some people from college or friends of friends, or friend's exes whom I've met very briefly and never spoke to again) - however, my fear is that I'll suddenly randomly run into one of these people again and there'll be some awkward moment of one of use realizing the other is no longer a facebook friend and wondering what happened (oh, uh, someone hacked my account? yeah...).

Anyhow.

However, this gets me to thinking - what IS the purpose of facebook? For me, it's getting in touch with/keeping in touch with those who would have otherwise fallen off the face of this earth. I don't need facebook for my close friends I speak to somewhat regularly; I know what they're up to, where they work, what they look like. It's the people that I knew at some point but would now be completely out of touch with if it weren't for facebook that really give facebook its value, in my opinion. It's kind of like we use a dictionary for the five syllable words, not 'home' or 'food'.

In fact, if I stop to think about it now - there's a good thirty or so people who are acquaintances from high school or college who I have not seen/spoke to in person in at least four years, however, we regularly comment on each other's statuses & write on each other's wall, so I pretty much feel like I could say I am in touch with these people who would have otherwise been long gone. I am grateful these seemingly random people have trickled back into my life (via a social networking site).

Anyhow. What are your thoughts? Is the point of facebook to keep in touch with the long-gone, long-lost friends, or are these people clutter? Is the purpose of facebook moreso to keep in touch with those who are close? What's your take? Should one 'clean out' those who seem to have drifted away?

The Million Dollar Question

So I was reading my Glamour magazine today, and there was an article that asked a lot of hard-hitting, up for debate questions. One of them being 'should you tell a friend when you don't like her boyfriend?'

This is really quite the question. Those who took the 'no' stance in said article articulated all my past experiences with the subject - the odds of it making said significant other go away are slim to none, it will only cause said friend to distance herself (or himself) from you, said friend will not be completely honest with you about future issues in the relationship because he/she will be afraid you are judging or will pressure him/her to leave, etc. Basically, it will only hurt the friendship.

Now - quick disclaimer. I have experience in both a) telling a friend she should get out of a relationship, then having said friend having lukewarm feelings toward me and b) not saying anything because I knew it would totally ruin the friendship, but watching a friend of mine be mistreated and silently wishing the bastard away.

I think the obvious answer is 'no, one cannot tell someone she doesn't like her boyfriend'. Said friend needs to reach the decision to leave on her own; she's a capable adult and hopefully will do so.

However.

A small part of me feels awkward sitting there in silence. Isn't it a friend's job to tell her friend she deserves better? Granted - no one is perfect, we all have different standards for what we want in a significant other, different non-negotiables, etc. However, recently a good friend posed the question to me, when speaking of her boyfriend, 'you like him, right?' Well, in this particular instance, I do. But, would I say something if I didn't?

If I was in a relationship where I was being mistreated, I would want my friends to say so. Although, also, a small part of me wonders that, if I was in a relationship where I wasn't being treated right, what kind of frame of mind am I in? Am I seeing clearly? I'm guessing no. Therefore, would I take my friend's advice the right way? Hard to say. What's more important, doing what one feels is right or putting the friendship first? However, if one were to, per se, do what she feels is right and then her friend stays in the relationship AND writes her off as a friend, there's no hope of helping the friend out of the relationship, ever. So it could be a lose lose.

What should one do when she doesn't like a friend's significant other? Is there anything that can be done? Can one ever tell a friend she doesn't like her boyfriend? Is there a way to do so without losing the friendship? What would you want if your friends didn't like your significant other? Would you want to know?

Do People Change?

This is quite the hot question. I'm sure anon has been eagerly awaiting this post like I've been eagerly awaiting writing it.

Do people change?

Can people change their actions? Yes - in the instance that an alcoholic can quit drinking, etc. Can people change their beliefs? Yes. I know some people who've drastically changed their religious beliefs. I know some Democrats who've becoming Republicans and vice versa.

However.

I personally think the person we are, at our core, does not change. I know some will argue this. I know some people think people they know have changed. I think the response to this is either a) they didn't know that person as well as they thought they did or b) sometimes we all lose a little bit of ourselves at times. However, in response to part b - I think the person we are, at our center, is always still there - so sometimes it might take ourselves a bit to find ourselves again, but we can usually do it.

Anyhow. Those are my thoughts. I think sometimes when couples break up/friendships end/etc., it's usually that the basis of the relationship was more of a similar interest (like some kind of shared activity) and not the kind of people they were in terms of values, in my opinion. Not that two people have to be similar - opposites can attract - but I think sometimes the necessity is that one cares for someone for the kind of person he/she is, not just what initially brought them together.

Anyhow. That being said - I have a very hard time believing people change on the whole. Usually, when something goes awry with someone I know, it seems to me that that person just wasn't who I thought he/she was upon first impression, or usually, I knew the problem existed with the person, but I thought the friendship/what have you could survive despite it, but then it becomes apparent that it can't.

Your thoughts? Do you think people change? Can people change? Do they just become more of who they are? Is it more that they lose themselves? Does everyone eventually find himself/herself again? What makes a person who he/she is?

Another Question to Ponder....

So some of my near and dear readers (and those who are near and dear to my readers) have described this blog as the kind of blog that asks questions/starts debates (i.e. 'can guys and girls be friends', should a guy ask a girl's dad for her hand in marriage, etc.).

Anyhow. I'd like to keep up with that theme.

Today, a good friend of mine brought up that she learned something major about one of her close, long-term friends. They say you don't really know a person until you live with them, which I can definitely see. When people go off to college, they are at times warned not to live with their best friend because it could ruin the friendship. Couples who are serious about each other and possibly thinking of marriage move in together and then sometimes break up.

However, after having lived with quite a few various roommates throughout college/adult life, I think one could live with another person and still not really know him/her (although I do realize one will point out that living with someone as just a roommate is much different than living with someone as a best friend/significant other, etc.). Also, the aforementioned people who move in together (close friends or significant others) are moving in with someone they presumably feel they, for the most part, KNOW.

My question is this - do we EVER really know a person? There have definitely been people I know (or thought I knew) who have come to surprise me (not necessarily roommates). That, and think about it - very long term relationships (not necessarily romantic) end after years - is it that someone changed, or that the two people didn't really fully know each other to begin with? I guess that opens the whole can of worms of 'do people change', which would be another blog in an of itself.

Anyhow. What I ask now - when, exactly, do we know a person? When do we know a person well enough to make some form of a semi-long-term commitment to him/her? A small part of me thinks the answer might 'never' - and we just have to take a major risk sometimes. Your thoughts?

Anyhow.

Can Guys and Girls be Friends? Part 2

Ok. So I've decided to re-explore this subject, since it seems to be one of my posts that got a good amount of feedback. The feedback got me thinking some more. I think I may have changed my answer (and the question, a bit).

Another potential complication has come to mind. Here's the problem I see - do I believe a guy and girl can get close to each other, emotionally, and enjoy spending time with each other without necessarily wanting to be more than friends? Yes. I mean, if one of them can, then why can't both of them?

However, I think, also, people having fragile egos comes into play. For example - I think both a girl and a guy can be fine with their own not wanting more than a friendship with the other, however, they might both be offended at the notion that the other party doesn't want them.

Now, I don't mean this in a funny way, but when I think of the hypothetical completely platonic guy friend, I am perfectly comfortable with my not wanting more than a friendship with him. And, in theory, it's ideal for him to feel the same way I do - to not want more than a friendship (otherwise, things can and would be awkward).

However. If I were to stop and think of the fact that this person enjoys spending time with me and feels comfortable confiding in me - to stop and think that this person, for some reason, doesn't want me in that regard can be a slight blow to the ego (for some people, at least). Is it that this person simply isn't attracted to me? That's totally fine - I certainly wouldn't expect a guy to be attracted to me just because he's a a guy and I'm a girl. However, even though I might not be attracted to him, even though I probably don't want him to be attracted to me, there's something a little frustrating about having to stop and think that this person, for some reason, knows me well and specifically doesn't want me.

Anyhow. I think at the base of a lot of these male/female friendships is:
a) one person is in a relationship so the complication of 'why aren't we dating' doesn't come into play
b) the two, at one point, dated and it didn't work out for some reason - so neither party can be offended that one deems the other 'undateable'
c) one member of the friendship suspects (or flat-out knows) the other party wants more; therefore the insecurity of not being wanted doesn't come into play
d) one member of the friendship flat-out wants the other party so much that the whole basis of the friendship is trying to transition it into more

Anyhow. Your thoughts? Is it possible to not only not want your opposite sex friend, but also be ok with your opposite sex friend not wanting you?

Editor's sidenote: As I've said before - I have a couple good guy friends (who read this blog, at least I hope). I do believe guys and girls can be friends, and I have enjoyed said friendships so much that I have not let my fragile ego and the point I raise in this blog get in the way. Anyhow.

I Took the Plunge....

...and privatized my facebook. I know, crazy! It's not for any reason in particular, per se. Well, actually, it is. I am curious to see how many people out there are THAT CURIOUS what's going on in my life. Like, before, anyone could see my profile and check up on me. Now, only my current friends can. So, it's a good test to see which of my former coworkers, college classmates and high school classmates will take the plunge and put in a friend request because they care enough to see what I'm up to. I will, of course, accept said request - I have nothing to hide and I have no reason not to let anyone know what I'm up to (hey, I was public for how long now) - I just like to know who is interested enough in me. Anyhow. It should be a good test. Since the privatization, I am yet to receive a friend request - but you know what - I'm gonna be optimistic about this.

Some Thoughts of Male/Female Friendships

So anon raised an interesting point in the comments section of a previous post, in regards to men and women being friends:

And on the question about if we are just trying to foster a friendship, we do not want to be friends with you. That is not meant in a mean way, but we don’t want to be friends.

Also, Samantha Jones bluntly put it: "Women are for friendship, men are for f*$&ing".

I am not sure my thoughts on this personally. I actually think almost everyone has some opposite sex friends, especially in the form of coworkers, former classmates, friends' significant others, or friends of one's significant other. I definitely have some male friends - friendships I've fostered through all of the above circumstances. I mean, why not? Friendship makes the road easier and helps us get through the hard times (Kleenex?) - I mean, look at my friendship with Emily. A terrible situation brought us together - if we hadn't found each other in that mess, I'm afraid to think of what could have happened.

Anyhow.

I do think guys and girls can be just friends. I think, though, a large factor is how good of friends they are - of course a casual friendship is easily understandable. However, if we're talking really good friends/best friends, then there might be issues. I think, personally, as Piper pointed out in a previous post - it all depends on if that's been worked out. I think as long as both parties are not interested in more than a friendship, then everything is ok. Throughout life, I've had multiple decently close guy friends (and they are the kind of guys who happened to often have close female friends - perhaps there's a certain type of guy best suited for this).

Anon also pointed out in his post that perhaps if there is more communication amongst men/women, there would be less confusion. I think that's probably one of the best perks of an opposite sex friend - getting a guy's opinion on stuff. That, and sometimes, situationally, friendships just happen based on circumstance/proximity/what have you, and it's not like dating someone - the gender doesn't really matter.

However, there's some Dave Matthews quote out there (which obnoxiously infiltrated many of AIM profiles back in college):

A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.

Here's my take on this - I think if the man is interested in more than a friendship, he knows this from the beginning. However, if he is not interested in the woman as more than a friend at the start, I personally don't see him becoming interested, despite becoming closer to her emotionally, etc. Simply, men know if they are attracted to someone or not, and this generally doesn't change. However, with women, I can definitely see things going the other way, because women have a tendency to feel attracted to men they feel close with and comfortable to (as opposed to it being based solely on physical appearance). So, in short, I don't think a guy will fall for his female friend unless he feels that way about her off the bat, but I can see a woman falling for her male friend over time.

Anyhow. Your thoughts? Is it possible for a guy and girl to be very close friends/best friends without one falling for each other? Are women more likely to fall for their male friends, or vice versa? Do you believe in male/female friendships?