Another Reason I Need a Break From Online Dating

In case anyone was curious - I did not reply. I'm curious why he assumes I am not used to intellectual conversation....

One Reason I Need a Break From Online Dating

Yes, I replied.  I was curious to see if he'd up and give me his address (seeing he doesn't know me and I could possibly be a robber/'catfish').  He began to ask some questions to see if I was a 'serious inquiry'.  I got bored & blocked.

On A Hetox/Guyatus

Yep, you read that right.  For the past couple years, I've done/tried it all.  Speed-dating. Set up blind-dates. Match. E-harm. OKCupid. Tinder.  I grimace as I write out this list. 

It's not that I haven't found Mr. Right (well, I haven't, but that's beside the point).  It's just that, in the words of my girl, Taylor Swift 'I just, I mean, this is exhausting'. 

The e-mails.  The awkward conversations with strangers.  The texting.  The creepers.  I just don't have time.  Or rather, I just don't care to do this with my time.  I keep busy with work.  I have a good amount of good friends & family I try to keep in touch with.  I take dance class.  I work out.  I am in the process of attempting to learn coding.  I'm trying to read more.  I'm struggling to keep up this blog.  You get the drift. 

That, and, not to pick on online dating especially (which I really truly think there is nothing wrong with, and I know several great couples, some married/engaged, who started with a wink) - but oh goodness, it's a headache and a half some times.  There's the guys who write long, detailed, five paragraph essay emails.  There's the guys who write emails for weeks but don't make any attempt to ask me out.  There's the guys who write emails blatantly looking for a casual sexual relationship (even when I specified in my profile I was not open to said idea). There's the blatant control+copy+paste emails.  There's the 'this isn't in a foreign language, but it isn't quite English, either' emails.  And all the while, I can't help but think that there's a college friend I owe an email to, and here I am sorting through this crap instead.  

Back in my college days/early twenties, I hadn't gone on nearly as many dates as I have over the past couple years (grimace again), but all the guys that were asking me out or taking me out on dates appeared to really be interested in me.  The ones who kept calling, well, I knew they liked me.  Maybe it was because they met me prior to the first date in some way or another, maybe it was because there wasn't a seemingly large mass pool of potential singles as one's fingertips, but I feel nowadays it seems like there will be guys that ask me out and continue to talk to me, but I cannot make heads or tails of whether or not they are into me.  Perhaps they are casting a wide net.  Or keeping their options open.  I dunno.  What I do know, though, is that in all seriousness, I question if I could successfully notice a great guy trying to get my attention amongst all this white noise.

Something in me snapped the other day.  It must have been the 8th coupon in a row to reactivate e-harm.  I promptly went on an deleted my profile (which, another can of worms, and perhaps a blog topic - was not easy to do!).  Next - match - gone!  Tinder - deleted.  Okcupid - still there (because filling out all the questions was an extensive process), but I won't be checking it, except for material for this blog.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not anti-dating right now, I am just not doing anything that would constitute 'trying to meet someone'.  If I happen to stumble upon a great guy and he asks me out in some way, I will go.  But no dating sites, no blind dates - nothing that requires, well, time or effort.

That, and the other day, a friend made a good point.  We were discussing another friend who is dating a good guy (and it seems to be getting more serious).  Prior to dating this guy, said friend had a not-as-great relationship.  My other friend mentioned to her not to put up with it because "once you meet the right guy, things will be easy".  I wholly agree with this sentiment.

Bickering on the Internet

So as all my readers know - I occasionally do some online dating.  As I might have mentioned at one point or another - in my 'OKCupid' profile, I have a line about only contacting me if you can form a coherent sentence.  I can tell you, it might be pointless for me to have this request in my profile, because it clearly is not granted.  I've gotten feedback from a couple guys who have said a lot of women have a similar line in their profiles.

A little bit ago, I got this message.

Disclaimer:  It appears this user has deactivated his profile, so I don't have to blur all out his picture/user name.  Not that I would have done that, necessarily.  I probably would have completely and totally disrespected his privacy.  Whatevs.  Lucky for him.

Now, aside from the following:

--Yes, I do know Einstein's theory of relativity

--Even if I didn't, there's time to google it and then respond and pretend I do

--There's a big difference in knowing Einstein's theory of relativity and being able to form a sentence

I was tempted to respond with one of the above, but I didn't.  I can't help but wonder....  He clearly is put off.  Is he looking for a response?  Clearly, he must be.  Is this his way of flirting?  I'm assuming that's a negative.  However, we're on a dating network - the reason for contacting someone should, in theory, be with the purpose of starting something that could lead toward dating. So then, what, praytell, is the point?  If he saw my profile and felt annoyed by something I wrote in it, why not just ignore it and move on to the next?

This brings me to the next question - why are there so many people out there who seem to enjoy starting fights with strangers on the internet?  I see it all the time in the comments sections on any articles.  Or, on random statuses on Facebook.  In fact, I sometimes see it on this blog!  Is it that they're sad and lonely and just looking for some kind of interaction with some emotion behind it?  Or is it just natural instinct for some to bicker and it's now been moved to the internet, since that's where communication takes place these days?  Do you enjoy a spirited debate online?  Your thoughts?

A Pre-Date Googling, Part 1

So I read this very interesting article in April's Glamour magazine about the dangers of pre-date googling.

It probably won't surprise my readers to learn that I'm a pretty big offender on this front.  Knowing myself, this probably isn't going to stop me.

Basically, this article stated that it takes out the organic element of getting to know a person.  We make too many assumptions based on what we find online.  One of the points they brought up is we might find 'deal breakers' online that we would normally excuse in real life because either there might be some  additional explanation, or the real-life chemistry might be so strong that this becomes irrelevant.

However.  I, like almost all single people in Chicago, am on a little site called 'OKCupid'.  For those not familiar, there's the standard profile portion, plus an unlimited amount of questions one can answer about him/herself on sex, values, religion, etc.  One can answer the questions him or herself, then answer what one deems 'acceptable answers' from a potential mate, and whether or not one deems this question important.

When I filled out said dating site profile, I answered a TON of questions.  This, in theory, helps better match me to those similar.  Now, let me tell you, for almost every guy I have encountered on said site, I have seen some question that I didn't like the answer to.  Some question that I felt I could cut a guy on.    (Are you happy with your life? What are your feelings on group sex?  Is it ok to date someone already in a relationship, if no one else finds out?  How often do you do things out of spite?)

However, as I did this, I thought about two important facts.   Perhaps I was inferring too much on a guy's character based on a bad answer (he couldn't be attracted to someone whose body-type wasn't right?  this must mean he's superficial, or a workout fiend!).  Or, more likely, if I'd met this guy in person, these questions most likely wouldn't have come up in conversation on the first couple dates, so would I have dated this person anyway?  Would I possibly end up in a serious relationship with this person?  And more importantly, how many people out there do I think I know that might, in secret, have these weird-ass inappropriate (per my standards) answers to these burning questions?

Your thoughts?  Do you judge people on what you find out about them online?  Does anyone else on OKCupid feel she (or he) could cut practically everyone based on these questions?!

Should I Have Opted for A Polite 'No Thanks'?

Another OKC adventure.

A guy starts messaging me.  He looks nice from his one pic; his profile is a little empty.  His first message is brief, but I decide to give it a chance.  We're talking; it turns out we're in the same line of work.

We start having a nice conversation about that; I then ask him where he likes to hang out.  He starts talking about his neighborhood.  He made the comment that he's had some trouble meeting women in his neighborhood.  Why so, I ask?

"They are all fake and lame."

Well, something about this didn't really sit right with me, and I kind of felt like I was at a crossroads in the conversation with him anyway.  I wasn't really sure if we were hitting it off and had much in common besides the same line of work.  I didn't reply.

I received another message (which I found odd, seeing I hadn't replied yet).

"Would you like to go out sometime?"

I suppose I could have written back a polite 'no thanks'.  I'm bad about that with online dating.

Then another message:

"Happy Easter."

"I know you're busy and all, but I find it hard to believe it could take you that long to type a couple words."

"You can't answer a simple question?"

At this point, I have blocked him.  And I feel confident I have made the right decision.  I'm curious if he's tried to message me again and received some kind of notification that he's blocked.  And I fear the day I randomly run into him at an industry function.

Save the Rainforests?

I just got the following message on a dating website:

Your face would save the rainforest.

What does that even mean?  I assume it's a compliment, but I'm not 100% sure.  My face would inspire people to make more environmentally sound decisions?

Or, is it maybe an insult, but maybe I'm just some stupid self-centered girl who'll assume it's a compliment and say 'thanks!'

Although he doesn't look like the kind of guy I'd be interested in, or seem to have much in common with me, I kind of wanted to reply, just saying 'what does this even mean?', but I was advised by a good friend that 'this is his trap.'

Your thoughts?  Anyone else receive a really strange compliment?  Anyone know what this means?

It's Not OK, Cupid

I just learned something interesting.  My fellow online-daters will appreciate this.

It IS possible to be an 8% match with someone else who has answered a substantial number of questions on OKCupid.

And, yes, said person did message me.  Le sigh.

The Last Word

So I get a message from a dude on an online dating site.  His profile was just ok - nothing wrong with him but not someone who'd catch my interest.  I would have given him a chance, but his message was not my style.  Let's just say he alluded to what beautiful babies we would create.

Needless to say, I did my typical 'ignore without reply', which is usually my standard practice when I receive a message from someone that I'm not interested in.  However, for those of you (lucky souls) not familiar with how online dating works, he could see that I'd viewed his profile and that I'd logged on since he'd sent the message. 

A couple days later, I get another message.  (Editor's sidenote:  Why, I ask, why, does anyone feel the need to send more than one message to someone who isn't answering? What good could possibly come from it?)

Anyhow - the message:

'Nevermind.'

Well then.  He sure showed me.  HE has rejected me.  He has the final word here!  (And yes, he sure does, because I'm not responding to that either.)

Le sigh.

I think I'll keep my OKCupid profile up indefinitely (even if I'm say, married, one day) just for the amusement from bizarre messages I receive.

While We're on the Subject of Crazy Online Dating Experiences....

Let me preface this message with the fact that I have the following in my profile:

a) you can form a coherent, grammatically correct sentence
b) you are looking for more than just a fling
c) you are an independent adult

I get the following message:

Sweetie, I've missed you in my life. I meet two of your requirements to contact you. I can form coherent and complete sentences, but they do run-on sometimes. Plus I am an independent adult. As for your other requirement, I don't meet that. What I want is a fling, someone to hold me and be naked with. I'd like it to be with you.

Yep.

Thanks for the honesty?

(Yes, of course, only on OKCupid.)

Deja Viewed Your Profile

Has anyone else noticed?

Ok - so it's no little secret, I've dabbled in some, ahem, online dating.  I've tried almost all of the major sites (not necessarily all at once).  Sure, each is different in its own way.  I've noticed, ahem, some overlap of 'clientelle'.

Of course I am guilty of this as well.  But it's kind of of funny.  One might think he or she is opening him or herself up to some new people by joining an additional site.  And this might be true, to an extent.  I'm curious the amount of 'unique users' each site has.

The funniest thing, however, is I personally have experienced several moments of 'deja vu'.  Or maybe 'deja viewed your profile'.  What amuses me the most (and I'm guilty of this as well), is that on every site, the people have the same user names and pictures.  When I was telling a friend about this, he commented that, well, it makes sense - it's the same single & looking people in the same city - it wouldn't really make sense if it was a completely different set of individuals.

I also remember once there was a guy I started talking to on one network.  I realized quickly that I just wasn't going to hit it off with him.  This may have been bad form on my part, but I just stopped responding (we hadn't even spoken on the phone or met in person).  He then messaged me on ANOTHER network, calling me out that I'd stopped responding on the first network, but he still wanted to keep talking to me.  I was weirded out and, needless to say, did not respond once again.

Do my fellow online daters have the same experience of dealing with the same people on every network?  Is there a point of being on multiple sites at once?  Does anyone else feel some 'people' are following them as aggressively as zappos remarketing?  (Sorry, lame search joke.)  Your thoughts?

Sweet or Stalkerish?

A while ago, I wrote this post about a guy on Okcupid who has messaged me several times without anything remotely resembling a response from me.  I have now received message #4:

I must be a big idiot, cuz Im still trying here. I have no idea why Im even enamored with you, but I am. I must be a glutton for punishment or something. Either way...I would love a chance to chat with you and get to know you. Im sure that you still wont respond, but I gotta try with the hopes that youll respond...one day. LOL 

Mike

I can't say I saw anything in his profile that made me feel like he and I would hit it off, so I'll continue to ignore - but is this cute and sweet and what every girl really wants, or creepy and bizarre behavior?  

Another Online Dating Adventure

So, I got an email on Match.com from a nice looking, normal seeming guy.  He wrote me a polite, grammatically correct message.  He seems to have ambition and have his life in order.  It appears as though he's a decently intelligent person with some respectable interests.  I was feeling excited; however, I got to the last line of the email:

"I'm not going to lie, I'm guessing, as a dancer, you have incredible legs, so I just wanted to say hello"

Is this creepy/weird, or just a little flirtatious?  Do I reply and give him a chance?  Has anyone else had an experience like this?  Your thoughts?  

Salary Requirements For Dating

So, as my readers know, I occasionally do some online dating.  Yadda.

I am currently a member with an active profile of, ahem, two major sites, however, I have hardly been active lately.  Yawn.  I hate dating.

Anyhow.  I was browsing through some older 'gentlemen' (not sugar daddies, keep your mind in a good place) - older than me, if you will.  Let's say the 35-40ish range.

I noticed a recurring pattern.  On one of the websites, men can check off boxes preferring certain salary ranges (women can too).  In my experience viewing profiles of these 'older' gentlemen (who probably wouldn't enjoy such a label) - often times they put a minimum salary requirement.

This begs a lot of questions.  As usual.  Do women often put a salary requirement?  How do men perceive it when women do?  Is there a difference here between the genders?  When men say they only want a woman who is 'slim and slender', it rubs me the wrong way on behalf of women, if you will.  I would think men might see it the same way when women post that they need 100k+.  In online dating profiles, are women wise enough to not 'show their cards' on this one?

I am not sure I really care much either way about men expressing this requirement.  I can understand that maybe these men are advanced in their careers and either a) want someone else who is invested in her career or b) are used to living a certain lifestyle of traveling and going out and want someone who can keep up with it or c) don't want to have to support someone financially and want to be up front about it, and ultimately, this salary minimum is their way of conveying that in their profile.  However, I must say, I saw at least several profiles that set the bar pretty high.  I consider myself a financially independent adult who lives a good quality of life, and, well, I would have been 'weeded out' by their minimum.

What are your thoughts re:online dating and being upfront about a salary minimum?  Should one be upfront about his or her preferences?  Are men of all ages concerned about their future mates' salary, or is it more specific to the 35+ crowd?  Has anyone else noticed this trend?

An Online Dating Follow-Up

So a while back, I wrote this post.  A cliff notes version:  I a(n) (unbeknownst to me at the time) creepy guy online.  He winked, I winked back, he emailed.  I signed on, read the email, then figured I'd write him back the next day.  He then sent me a nasty email for not responding to him email right away.

Anyhow.  I think I might have also mentioned that I kept seeing him on the site, but under a different name.  I wondered if he had multiple accounts going.  Or, more realistically, if he kept getting reported for a concern, then creating a new account.

Well, it has happened.  His picture, under a new name (for those unfamiliar with how this online dating world works - one cannot change his/her name once it's been created, a whole new account needs to be created) has 'winked' at me.  Does he not recognize me? (Not that I think I'm that memorable, but he sure was upset at my actions.)  Is he going for some kind of reaction?  Is he simply there to harass people?  Am I reading too much into it and he just has no idea he's spoken to me before - he's just 'innocently' expressing interest?

Anyhow.  All I have to say is online dating has been an adventure.  I'm glad I've gained so many stories over the years.

It Happened Again.

Message #1

Hi there! How are you? So...what can I do to
get your attention? I want to explore every
avenue. Is there something that I can do
thats sure to put a smile on your face? If
there is, let me know, cuz I love it! Its one of
the cutest smiles ever!

Michael

Message #2

I sent you a message way back in December, around Christmas. I never heard back from you, so hopefully youre close to saying hello! I can feel it! Maybe youre at least kinda close! LOL! Dont fight it woman! Its dangerous to deny your self conscious. ;-)

Mike 

Message #3

Hi there! How are you? So...what can I do to
get your attention this time around? I want
to explore every avenue. Is there something,
please let me know, cuz I have tried to get your
attention once before and failed. By the way...you
have one of the cutest smiles ever!

Michael

WHAT is with guys doing this?  Btw, it happens on OKcupid.  Which I'm really not proud of.   As I mentioned before, there's other instances of it.  Do these guys think girls are gonna cave?  Are they all working in sales?  Do guys have success with this method?  Does this happen on any other dating sites?  I'd ask if other girls have had this experience, but I know they have from conversations re:this site.  Do girls do this to guys?  (mass repeatedly message without response)  And what, exactly, is his definition of 'self conscious'? (SIC)

Name Spellings

So my good friend Ellen sent me this article that I found interesting - 13 signs that he'll be a bad partner.

I can't help but notice #8, which is near and dear to me.  I have a name that often gets misspelled.

There was a guy I went out with a handful of times a couple months ago.  He misspelled my name a couple of times in email/text, etc.  I definitely gave him my name (and spelled it correctly, obviously).  Needless to say, it didn't work out.

I am currently talking to someone I may go out with.  We have been texting.  You guessed it - he is spelling my name wrong.  Should I hold it against him?

Here's my thought - these people, in theory, are trying to put their best face forward.  Is this like a person applying for a job, but spelling the hiring manager, or even worse, the company's name wrong?  Is this what one wants from someone who is 'trying his best'?  Am I just being sensitive?  Should one date a person who spells her name wrong?  Your thoughts?

Online Dating Debacles, Take 856

Message #1

(I cannot locate it, but I assume it exists, based on message #2.  And the one thing I remember is I only deleted the REALLY bad ones.)

Message #2

Hi, 

I've attempted messaging you in the past, yet these sites are replete with immaturity and mailboxes are commonly filled with puerile innuendoes. The filtration process can be rather time consuming! 

Have you met any interesting people yet?


Message #3


Good morning, 

I've recently sent you a message. 
Did you receive it? 


I have not replied once.  Let's see how long he keeps going....  If there ends up being more, I will surely update you dear readers.  


Perhaps I shall do a post on the phenomenon of those who repeatedly message the same people on online dating sites without response.  They're out there.  


P.S.  Someone please comment on his vocabulary.

Personal Ads

The other day I was watching Jay Leno's headlines (my favorite).  He happened to pull up one that was a 'personal ad'.

This left me with a lot of questions.  Do people still place personal ads?  Is this the match.com for the 50+ crowd?  Do any SEMI-NORMAL people use the personal ads?  Has anyone ever called on a personal ad?  Has anyone SEMi-NORMAL called on a personal ad?  Does anyone know a "normal" couple that met through a personal ad?

That being said, I know quite a few what I'll call "normal" couples that met in some unconventional quasi-weird way.  In other words, not at a bar, at a party, through friends, at work, or on a "normal" online dating site.

Does anyone know anyone who has ever placed or called on a personal ad?  Would any of my readers ever consider it?  Do any of my readers know a "normal" couple that met in a very "weird" way?  Your thoughts?

Long Distance Relationships

So, today, on an online dating site, I received a message from a man in Hawaii.

Why?

This has happened to me on a couple occasions.  Why is this?  Is it an act of desperation?  Is it someone just not paying close attention?

I remember speaking to a man on this matter who did online dating.  He told me a story:

A very attractive woman (or, more accurately, someone with a profile picture of a very attractive woman) from another part of the country contacted him.  He was flattered.  He tried to have general conversation with her.  He noticed she's said a couple things that were odd/grammatically incorrect, but he'd thought maybe English wasn't her first language.  She'd continued to contact him.  He found it odd because she'd lived several states away, but continued to talk to her.  He asked her if she was ever in the Chicago area.  She then went into "Well, I would love to visit the area, but I cannot afford the plane fare."  He smelled a rat.  She then went on "My mom has been sick lately, I really want to visit her, but I'd need to borrow some money for the plane fare...."  He 'reported a concern'.

Are 95% of people from other parts of the country scam artists?  Or are they really desperate?  Anyone meet anyone from another part of the country online and it turned out being real?