An Emily-style Joke

My poor attorney friend Rachel from dance class was hit by a car while walking down the street in our neighborhood! And I thought I had bad car luck! Not sure if you read this Rachel - but I, as well as all of Visceral Dance Studio, hope you get well soon! It's no fun not carpoolin'! I have no one to review the dance with on the way home this way.

Bad joke inspired by said event:

What do you call hitting an attorney with a car?

Cutting out the middle man.

Idols

So I like American Idol. Guilty pleasure, I know. There are many worse guilty pleasures in life, I suppose.

Some of my friends and family classify me as the "Simon Cowell" type. (I'm not going to stop to explain who Simon Cowell is, for I know all of you, regardless of whether or not you've seen the show, know.) People can criticize me for it, however, when people want an HONEST opinion, they come to me - all my friends and family will vouch for this.

I like to think I'm not AS brutal and I would never want to hurt another person - but I have no hesitation to tell a friend NOT to buy a sweater because I don't like it or not to date a guy because he's clearly not that into her and just out to jerk her around (if only everyone ALWAYS listened to my advice - I should vent to Simon; I know he feels the same grief).

Now, I do think it's important to not hurt friends and loved ones' feelings. However, I think sometimes reality hurts too - and I think that it's better to hurt now than later. If a little honestly now can prevent a big hurt later - it's worth it. Maybe not in preventing a friend from a bad sweater - but in helping a friend avoid a much bigger mistake. And if someone asks for an opinion - what service does it do to give a sugar-coated 'it's ok, it all depends, i don't really know the whole situation, it's hard to say'? People are asking for an opinion for a reason - sometimes they want someone to confirm what is already somewhere deep down in their gut and heart that they are afraid to face.

Some will criticize me for being Simon - but I like to think I serve a purpose; I am necessary. Hey, it's better than being Paula.

Another Seinfeldism

So today I went to a sox game (it was free). I sat close enough to spit on a player, but I refrained. However, all throughout the game, one thought kept going through my mind (as a non-sports enthusiast) - a seinfeld bit, if you will:

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they *hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo.

So When Are YOU Getting Married?

So, it seems as though there's a growing trend to harass all us swinging singles age 21 and up about tying the not. At family parties, weddings and various other events, people like me often get the question "so when are you getting married?"

It's quite a peculiar question when you think about it, seeing that if one is not currently engaged, how would one have an answer? "Well gee, I'm thinking October 11, 2010 - I have a dress picked out and a hall reserved, here's hoping I meet someone in time!"

I found a facebook group with a discussion board on clever retorts to this nagging question. I've always thought making people who ask intrusive questions uncomfortable to be one of life's simple pleasures - here's my top 10 answers that do exactly that:

10) As soon as my boyfriend gets out of jail.

9) Probably right after you guys get divorced.

8) As soon as Brad tires of Angelina.

7) When I lower my standards like you.

6) Actually, I prefer living in sin.

5) When I figure out who the father is.

4) Once the 'operation' is complete.

3) First they have to lift the restraining order....

2) Not until he turns 18, that's for sure.

drumroll please (I plan on using this on my grandmother, for she is sure to be asking said question)....

1) As soon as I can find a man who can outperform my vibrator!

Dubya

With the upcoming election, I haven't mentioned George W. Bush all that much in my blog. I'm sure all my readers can infer my feelings on him. If not, they are pretty well summed up by the following picture....

Administrative Professionals Day

So today was the ultimate Hallmark holiday, Administrative Professionals Day (formerly Administrative Assistants Day, formerly Secretaries Day, etc.). I know this because, well, I'm an Administrative Assistant.

Now, I knew my bosses wouldn't remember. And I knew this Hallmark holiday existed - and I honestly was confident I wouldn't care when they very predictably forgot. Come on now - it's not Christmas or my birthday - it's not a time one "expects" something, for lack of a better word. It's certainly not a day I was eagerly anticipating.

However, when I got in to work and I saw all the other "secretaries" (I personally prefer this title - it seems to convey more importance, like secretary of state) getting flowers, gift cards, etc., from their bosses and all I seemed to get was a list of random "urgent" tasks, well - I'm not going to lie, I felt a little bit bitter.

Maybe it's because I know precisely the reason they didn't do anything for me - because they were completely unaware of the event. This is because they count on ME to point out things like this. They BLINDLY rely on me to remind and alert them of many important things. Had I ordered myself flowers and billed it to their department, they would have signed off on it without even reading it. However, this defeats the purpose.

The purpose of this holiday (and yes, I realize the term needs to be used loosely) ASIDE from Hallmark, etc., making money - is to remember someone - to show that her effort hasn't gone unnoticed. It's the thought that counts, if you will. It's not a matter of a tangible gift - it's a matter of thinking someone took five minutes of his time to do something to make me feel good, to make me feel remembered. And on this day, I feel, well, forgotten. :(

Lesser Known Biases....

In this very exciting presidential campaign (at least I am very excited about it - in case my readers can't tell) - several questions have been raised: Can we elect a black president? Can we elect a female president?

I find this issue to be particularly interesting because I think people carry some biases that we are not even conscious they have. That being said - I think, race and gender aside, we have certain lifestyle expectations (which, in theory, should be irrelevant) on the person coming into the position - and the "can we elect a...." question has many more endings than one might expect.

Can we elect an atheist president? Can we elect an unmarried president?

I wish I could think of more at this moment - but I know they're out there.

Discuss!

Doing My Part....

So today I cashed in on a coupon that was $50 off a $150 purchase at Coach - come on, how could I not use that coupon!?! Actually, both I and my mother received said coupon and she gave me hers - so I cashed in on the coupon twice.

Some might say this was self-indulgent - but I disagree. It was quite unselfish, if I do say so myself!

See, the Republican theory (which I've never really subscribed to) is that people who have money to spend (or spend money anyway) are stimulating the economy - when people are spending, businesses keep going and jobs are therefore created (or kept in existence, at least).

Now, let me tell you - our economy sucks. I am certainly not an economic expert - but if you look at every news medium's headline - we are not exactly thriving in a boom. Many companies are flat at best - many are declining and therefore experiencing layoffs. My bff Dubya gave everyone making under 50K a year (or something like that) a $600 economic stimulus bonus in hopes we'd go out and get spend happy and keep the economy going (or slow down it's journey toward recession).

So, I look at it this way - I could have kept my money to myself - but that wouldn't have benefitted anyone but myself. And I'm all about the greater good. When I was at the cash register - an overwhelmingly happy feeling came over me - it must have been knowing that I was helping the American economy while making my purchase. It almost made me want to buy more. :-)

Politics, Part 812

And now, for a man who has had minimal exposure on Jaime's blog - republican presidential hopeful John McCain. He looks like a nice man. As David Letterman said, he kind of looks like the guy who makes your keys at the hardware store.

It has been brought to my attention by Fox News (yes, I am repping Fox's liberal audience) that John McCain suffers from a condition I have termed ATT (Adult Temper Tantrums). Now, I obviously do not know this man personally and I'm merely taking Fox's word for this (they're yet to be wrong, right?).

ATT happens to be a lot more common than one might think - in fact, I would say it occurs just as often if not moreso than its pediatric counterpart. I've witnessed occurrences of said condition from friends, family, coworkers, and complete and total strangers.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have all along been an activist about not voting for a personality but rather a president - just because someone may have an unattractive personality trait doesn't mean he or she would be bad at the job and just because someone has a good personality doesn't mean he or she will perform well. However, I will say this - I do believe, in finding out this tidbit of information, any hopes of me voting for this man have breathed their last dying breaths. And believe me, they were very weak fleeting hopes to begin with.

Typos

So, one reader - Marcia S. from Mount Prospect - has pointed out that there have been multiple typos/grammar errors throughout Jaime's blog.  As someone who has been an avid activist against apostrophe abuse and using the correct your, please give me a moment to explain myself.  This happens for two reasons:

1)  I am human.

2)  I am neurotic.  One might presume this happens because I do not proofread/am careless - however, this is actually very far from the case.  See, every time I write a post, as I go back to re-read it, I see all kinds of little things I like to reword, tweak, etc.  Then, of course, the edited pieces need to be proofread themselves, but as I'm proofreading them- I see more parts I would like to change.  What can I say?  I'm a slave to my trade.  However, there reaches a point where I've even driven myself nuts and need to stop looking at it and hit publish (errors in tow).  So, in short - please don't think I don't care enough and/or am grammatically incompetent - both are far from the case.  

Obamarama

I'm not fair and balanced and I'm not claiming to be. Yes, I am biased. Very biased. And these biases are laced all throughout this blog, I realize.

Upon watching the Democratic debate - I have but one statement for my bff Barack - answer the f#%*ing question. Now, I personally can't say I have ever felt that his choice of pastor, etc., was ever a problem or a deciding factor in whom I support, HOWEVER....

If Bill Clinton supposedly "owed" the American people an explanation about his extramarital affair, Obama most certainly owes us an explanation for his ties to some questionable individuals. And that's all we're asking for - an explanation! He should be able to answer the question and brush it off quickly, instead of whining about the fact that he was asked it in the first place. If you're running for president - you best expect to being asked to explain yourself.

Instead, here is what we got: "Why don't I wear a flag pin? Shame on YOU for even asking!!" He turned the tables during the debate and some of our most adept, intelligent political analysts were siding with him! There's something ironic about our political journalists saying "how dare they ask him that?" (something about pots & kettles comes to mind...)

Now, again, I'm not implying I believe Obama's a politician of questionable values (any more so than the next candidate, at least...), however, if you can't stand the heat Mr. Obama....

Miranda Hobbes?

Some of this blog's biggest fans commented that some of my entries were 'a tad judgemental'. Let me tell you - I am not one to pretend I'm something I'm not. Guilty as charged. Let me leave you with a quote from Stanford Blatch, Carrie Bradshaw's fabulous friend from Sex and the City:

"We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts & crafts; we (I) judge."

The Little Engine that Could

When it comes to search engines - Google, Yahoo, MSN, AOL, Ask.com, and many other smaller ones - there is far and away ONE leader. When it comes to finding out a little background info on the guy you're going on a first date with - you won't hear your friends say "Yahoo him!" Only one search engine has become a well-known pop-culture verb.

But here's my question: presuming you do - why choose Google? Google has over twice the market share of it's next nearest competitor (And I found this out by googling "search engine market share"!!). I'm sure some internet industry MASTERS could compare and contrast the virtues of each search engine and make a formulated argument as to why to pick one over another. However, I'm going to go out on a limb and say a good 80% of people who pick Google have no idea as to why they are choosing it over the other search engines - they'd probably tell you they aren't even consciously choosing it (but they are consciously typing the url/pointing and clicking their way to the website).

This brings me to my point - the marketing team at Google wiped the floor with the other search engines' marketing teams. People aren't picking Google because they think it's better. People are picking Google and they don't even know why - someone somewhere is a genius!!!

It's not too late for Yahoo & friends. But the question remains - what would it take for one of them to overtake Google? What will it take to get us to "Yahoo" local restaurants on a Saturday night. The answer must be something simple yet hard to find (something deeper than 'spend more money on advertising'). I personally couldn't tell you the difference between one search engine vs. another - but I am up for cheering for the underdog!

Editor's sidenote: Yes, I do realize this is probably something only I care about. I hope I am not losing audience members as I type.

Second sidenote: Yes, I realize Google publishes this blog. If it disappears mysteriously tomorrow (I'm talking a 404 here) - well, you'll know why....

Jerry Seinfeld

What's with these people who can't believe the weather? Can you believe this weather? YES, I CAN. It's kind of like these people who can't believe the time - can you believe it's 3:00 already? Why yes, it's 3:00 every day at this time! These people - I just want to station them outside the bank sign.

Women Who Want to Marry a Rich Man

Call this a rant of cynicism (the first of many)....

So, there is something that absolutely disgusts me. In recent discussions with other twenty-something females, in talks of future career/financial plans, I have been repeatedly met with a (dead serious) attitude of ‘well, you can worry about those kinds of things; I’m not going to - I’m going to be married to a guy who makes a lot of money'.

What has happened to the feminist movement? And I’m not talking bra-burning here. It seems as though some mysterious ‘anti-independence’ movement has arisen amongst women.

Let me tell you something – many years ago, women didn’t originally decide to fight for the ability to be independent for shits and giggles (or because they were ‘too ugly’ to be picked by a man for marriage, so they had to do something with their time, as most modern women seem to believe). Women fought for independence because they came to realize that with no means of supporting themselves, no educational background and no work experience and with six plus mouths to feed, clothe and house, if they happened to have a questionable character of a husband – their options were quite limited.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s wrong for a woman eventually decide to stay home with her children. However, I think all women should be prepared to go out into the workforce and be able to support herself and her potential children if need be – and we young twenty-something women are in a unique situation where we have more of an opportunity and awareness (thanks to all our previous generations) of this - and we’re not taking it!!!

There really is no argument against a woman being independent and prepared to care of herself – kind of like there are no real arguments against using a lifejacket when going out on the high seas. The only sentiment I’ve been hearing from these supposedly smart women is “I am special; I won’t need to”.

I think this attitude is what makes me the angriest – it’s ignorant and dangerous. And let me say this – I have been asked out by my fair share of men, some of who had lucrative careers. I only say this because I want to make it clear that I’m not making this argument from a bitter, have-not, outside-looking-in, jealous perspective. I think I am just as likely “to be picked by a rich man” (and I gag as I type this idea) as the next chick.

I personally don’t know any men who have the idea that it’s either being financially successful or having family – one or the other, not both. If men feel confidently in their ability to have their cake and eat it too – why don’t we women? Part of me feels it’s just plain fear and laziness that are keeping women waiting to be rescued – we need to rise up above this instead of living by it.

All I know is this – life doesn’t always turn out as planned – and anyone who has made it past kindergarten should know this. I think some women seem to assume that after they marry a man with money, it’ll be smooth sailing from there on out. That most likely isn’t going to be the cakewalk so many women think it is.

First off – what if something random goes wrong, and the family loses all its money? Unlikely, maybe; but possible nonetheless.

Also, what if the sweetest, smartest perfect partner comes along and he happens to make a very average income? What if this person happens to come from humble beginnings and have a lot of student loans? Aside from that, our economic system has changed a lot from the days of when it was normal for only one person in the family to work – only a very high income would support multiple people comfortably. Perhaps a lot of women will find that the men of their dreams come with more financial complications than initially anticipated. This begs the argument – should one sacrifice true love for financial stability?

Also, I know a few men who make a lot of money yet they freak out if their wife spends $30 on something. They keep strict budgets for everything. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have the guy who makes $30K a year and says “order whatever you’d like” than the stingy rich man.

I will not even go near the can of worms labeled “what if he never comes” – however, we all know it exists.

Also, I think there’s the whole issue in being completely financially dependent on a man – a woman is stuck clinging to him, no matter what he turns into. I don’t know about you, but I want to be married to someone because I want to be in the relationship, not because, well, going back to school is too expensive so I’m stuck if I want a roof over my head.

I am not saying it’s easy to become financially independent. However, in the same sense most men are taught to fight to achieve it themselves – we women, with the potential to become whatever we want, need to capitalize on this opportunity – because the golden parachute better known as a rich man just might happen to be a knapsack.

Blogger's Block

It sucks.

Do Due Diligence

It's scary when I think conservative political commentator Sean Hannity has a good point.

Yesterday, in the wake of the resurface of good old Reverend Jeremiah Wright - he brought up the point of "what if this is the real Barack Obama? what if the media did not do it's due diligence in looking into Obama's background?"

Regardless of your stance on Obama - I have to agree with my man Sean here. The media has handled Obama with kid gloves - or at least did for the first 15 months of his campaign. It took SNL to call them out on it, too. Even some of the most cynical, biting, investigative commentators have chanting "yes we can" this whole time.

Obama supporters should be disappointed in the media as well on this one - his campaign would be able to better stand up to these potential rising issues if the media gotten more of a background insight on him all along. These past two months seem to be the first time he's been questioned on anything (and the media CERTAINLY doesn't blindly take Hillary's word). Let's be honest, the notion of Obama being potentially anti-American is nothing remotely resembling dead to John McCain's camp - and Bush was re-elected on the fear of anti-American sentiments.

Honestly, I personally have never been able to warm up to Obama - partially because I feel like I just don't know what's underneath the warm charisma (not that I'm implying I agree with the notion that he's anti-American - I don't). The news world had a job to do - this man is running for the most important job in the world, it's time to thoroughly investigate him and what he's about - and I give the media a big fat F.

Books

While we're on the subject - I feel the same way about books as I do movies (see below) - just say no to chick lit happy endings. I will soon post a top ten list of Jaime's favorite books and a top ten list of movies (hey, I'm feeling inspired, and not just by David Letterman). However, one of them:

Maybe someone (anyone??) out there might notice the underlying theme of one of my favorite books and one of favorite movies - they're both about a young girl being seduced by a much older man. This leads to many (inaccurate) presumptions about my personal life, I do realize. This just begs one question - what would Sigmund Freud say?

Creepy Movies

Ok - I am not one of those girls who loves the sappy-happy ending movie. Actually, I rarely do; only when it's a unique storyline - but let's be honest, those don't exist any more. Romantic comedies just don't do it for me - well, they only do when they're funny enough that it's more comedy than romance. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be a pessimist (I'm not) - but I just hate it when in a movie, at the beginning, the female lead's life is all in pieces (bad job, bad living situation, no money, no love life or jerk boyfriend, etc.) and then at the end, voila, the perfect boyfriend, job, EVERYTHING comes in approximately 90-120 minutes. Now, don't get me wrong - not that things can't make a turn for the better, but I hate it how everything ends up PERFECT - life isn't like that. And I don't like stories that are all fairytale - it's just not realistic.


Anyhow, I almost exclusively like creepy movies. And I don't mean horror shows - but movies with kind of a dark undertone. I like it sweet with a little side of bitter. Tonight, I watched one of my favorite creepy movies (when my mom saw it, she said something about it made her skin crawl). Has anyone else seen this cult classic? Anyone else LOVE it, like I do?

A Very Suburban Weekend

dinner at Chili's, coffee at Starbucks

Happy Saturday!

The Love of My Life

I have been in the same room as him twice in my life. And each time I see him, it just gets better and better.

If it becomes Obama vs. McCain...

...and I thought 2004 was about picking the lesser evil....

Well, at least this time around we'll have two candidates who are intelligent with likable personalities. That's two more than we had in 2004.

Something that Hits TOO Close to Home....

25 Things I've Learned In 25 Years

I made a journalistic mortal sin in this headline. I will buy a drink to anyone who can identify it.

Anyhow.

I almost made it. I said that today I would post my list of 25 things I've learned in 25 years. I'm only 40 minutes behind the deadline. I know - close, but no cigar. Anyhow, here it is:

1) Being half-heartedly, half-committed to a lot of things and being committed to nothing are almost one in the same.
2) Even though I’ve heard this will happen – that our wants and needs will change as we grow – one of the weirdest feelings is being virtually indifferent to someone or something I once loved and wanted more than anything.
3) Being complacent is sometimes much more dangerous than being unhappy.
4) No friend or family member will ever be perfect – but if they good outweighs the bad – it’s better to have the person in your life.
5) People are more honest and upfront than one might think – it’s more the human being’s innate ability to hear what he or she wants that gets in the way of realizing this.
6) It’s often more hurtful to not be honest with a person than it is to sugar-coat or not say something for running the risk of ‘hurting his/her feelings’.
7) At the end of one’s life, no one regrets not watching more tv.
8) Manners matter.
9) Style over substance may be quite powerful at times, but ultimately the cream will rise to the top. Those with all sizzle and no steak can only survive a limited time.
10) There are many different addictions one can have – and some socially acceptable addictions (such as being a workaholic) can be almost as dangerous as substance abuse addictions, yet few will intervene in these instances like they will in the latter.
11) Age has an undeniable physical effect, no matter what your spirit is like.
12) The expression ‘everything is 90% mental” can sometimes be more disabling than enabling.
13) Staying up late and then being able to sleep in is one of life’s simple pleasures.
14) We’re all freaking busy – if something doesn’t get done, in most cases it’s because it simply wasn’t a priority.
15) When it comes to finding long-term companionship, don’t look for someone you can live with – look for someone you can’t live without.
16) A friend can complain about another friend, significant other, family member, etc. – and you can listen and agree with her and encourage her to have a limited relationship with said individual – but the odds always are that a day later she’ll be back to being supertight with the individual and now you’re the jerk who doesn’t like him or her.
17) Nothing will bite you in the ass with the same kick as your own words.
18) It’s often hard but very necessary for people to admit that their mental and physical health may need a little professional help and attention.
19) It’s nice to be important, but it’s much more important to be nice.
20) In the world of news, regardless of how relevant, important or urgent some information is – if it isn’t interesting (or portrayed as such), it will most likely be ignored.
21) As the time goes by and the world changes, both people and businesses need be flexible and accommodating to our ever-changing society without sacrificing or compromising their spirit and core self.
22) I often say “I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up”. Some laugh that I already have ‘grown up’ – I will catch people 20-30 years my senior saying the same line. I guess, in our minds, growing up is something always on the horizon.
23) The truth almost always comes out.
24) There’s nothing in this world quite as subjective as history and the news – yet many fail to realize this.
25) Granted, I realize this is the equivalent of the Letterman’s #1 on the top ten list (which is usually pointless and the worst item) – but it’s really really hard to think of 25 things I’ve learned!

Agree? Disagree? Favorite? Least favorite? Important things I've forgotten?

Comments, Cont'd.

Ok, I updated my settings so non-bloggers can comment. I expect the feedback to start flooding in....

Halfway up the Hill

I am less than six hours away from 25. I cannot believe it. Time flies when you're having fun. In the past 25 years - there's been good, there's been bad - but life is like (fill in your choice vice here) - even when it's bad, it's good. :)

I will not have a chance to blog tomorrow (24 hours straight of celebrating) - but I will post 25 things I've learned in 25 years (along with some birthday pictures, etc.) this Sunday (provided I can move from the bed).

April Fools!

So, I wasn't planning an April Fools' prank because I hadn't thought of one, and, let's face it, when people are trying to be clever and creative, they often aren't. However, around 10 am, the perfect thought came to mind. I text my mom saying I saw Barack Obama in the Merchandise Mart (where I work). It wasn't all that unrealistic (aside from the fact that he's in PA today), since he has been in the building before for an interview and he is from Chicago. I then decided to take it a step further and made my facebook and gmail status as "I just saw Barack Obama in the elevator at the Sun-Times". Within 15 minutes - several of my coworkers are messaging me "WHEN? IS HE STILL HERE??" I was seriously afraid an uproar was gonna start and I was gonna get in trouble for it! Anyhow - people I haven't talked to in years started messaging me asking if I'm gonna vote for him now, etc! The brilliance of April Fools' Day is that it's a day when people are SUPPOSED to be watching for practical jokes. This joke would not have been 1/4 as special any other day. I claim 12 known victims - 12 people who came forward to ask me what it was like to meet Mr. Obama himself. I wonder how many people right now are silently thinking I met him today. Well, I am about to clear the air to the facebook and gmail community. It was grand while it lasted. :-)