A Response to Honesty....

So my good friend, Matt, being the always opinionated and also very honest individual that he is, made some interesting points in the comments section of 'honesty':

When someone asks, "What do you think of my boyfriend, honestly?" are they really asking your opinion, or are they asking you to reinforce their choice?


Option B.  100%.  It's like 'does this dress make me look fat'.  There's only one answer to the question that involves not getting punched.  Regardless, every friend I have will still, quite regularly, ask me the aforementioned question.  


...if you are not open to people evaluating your own situations, then it’s probably going to be very hard to expect to have clout in other people’s situations. 


Ok, Matt, you got me.  I am the queen of dishing it out/not being able to take it.  Actually, that's not fully true. I like to think that when I don't want someone's opinion, I don't ask, because I accept that it might not be good and I'm choosing to do what I'm choosing to do, regardless of his/her opinion.  And I try not to give my opinion unless I'm asked, or I try my best to be tactful when doing so, and only do it out of concern.  Should people be more honest with me?  What are some things others think about me that they don't say?  Do I actually want to hear the answer to this?  Hmm.  

Some Thoughts on Online Dating.... (or, Undateable, Part 3)

Ok, so my friend Matt, being his astute self, as always, was able to accurately predict the foreshadowing in the previous post, 'debating'....

So, long story short, I tried online dating.  I could start making a bunch of silly excuses to justify my having done this (such as, I have tried and blogged about blind dating, speed dating, etc., so this just completed my repertoire, etc.), but I'm not going to - I will address why not later.

Anyhow.  For those who are curious about dating websites (I won't mention the one I tried, but it's a fairly mainstream one), I've compiled a list of thoughts (mostly complaints - let's be honest) on the matter, in no particular or coherent order:

--In one's profile, the requisite explanation of why one is here (e.g. "I got sick of meeting people in bars").  Here's the thing - everyone you meet on said website is, AHEM, ON SAID WEBSITE (most likely for its intended purpose).  So the ridiculous explanation comes off a little trite, and quite possibly arrogant (you see, there's a reason for me being here, unlike all the other losers).  Bonus demerits if you pretend you somehow got finagled into being on said site (so I lost a bet to one of my buddies....) -- all I really hear is Ross Gellar saying 'Ok, so who should I say tricked me into smoking the pot?'

--I have twice been called either a 'nerd' or a 'dork' by a virtual stranger.  Now THAT's a turn-on.  Who doesn't love a good throwback to the junior high lunch room?  If I saw these men in person, would they pull my hair?  Way to disprove that this means of meeting someone is geared toward the socially stunted.

--Listing sexual activity as a 'must have'.  Ok, I get it.   It's important to you, and shouldn't you be honest about your needs, find someone else who has the same desire, blah blah blah.  But you do realize, you are paying for a service, with hopes that said service connects you with some sexual activity.  You are just one step away from using a pimp.

--Works out five times a week or more.  A little obsessive, don't you think?  Read:  you'll notice if I gain five pounds.  I'd rather date a guy who wouldn't notice if I shaved my head.

--In the 'about me' section:  "Uh, it's hard to describe myself....I never know what to say in these things...uhhh...these things are always awkward".  Yes, they are, but think of it this way - you've had time to think about preparing an answer and THIS is what you came up with?  What are you gonna be like on the date?

--Male, age 30 (or higher).  Looking for women age 18-30.   EW EW EW EW EW.  You could date an 18 year old?!  Seriously?!  I don't know which is worse, a 30+ man who could actually relate to and connect with an 18 year old woman on a mental/emotional level, or a 30+ man who could guiltlessly use one for a couple hook ups.  I can't help you, dude, but maybe a good therapist could.

--(In the body of a message) 'So, I am just looking for some fun things to do in Chicago and was wondering if you had any good suggestions'.  This is the cyber-equivalent of 'do you come here often' or 'you look really familiar'.  I get it, it seems like a nice, pleasant conversation starter, but a small part of it just seems moronic because, again, it's an online dating site, not centerstage.com - is that REALLY what you are contacting me for?   How totally savvy.

--Repeatedly getting contacted by the same guy before any form of a response from me.  I think you know my opinion on this one.

--Height:  5'6" (actual height: 5'4").  Height:  5'9" (actual height: 5'7").  If he's claimed to be anything under 6', you can assume he's added at least two inches to his actual height.  I am not sure the probability of it, exactly, but it's pretty much the same odds that a woman will knock ten pounds off her weight.

--Complaining to me that other women you've met through the site are not as good looking in real life as they are in their pictures.  It rubs me the same way as it would you if I were to complain to you about a man taking me out on a date but not paying.

--A man with a picture of himself holding a baby.  Chicks dig a guy who likes babies.  Clever.  REALLY clever.

--"So sick of meeting people in bars".  If I see this tagline one more f'ing time....  Actually, the painfully ironic thing is men in bars can get a little leeway under the assumption that alcohol is partially responsible for some stupid statements/behavior - what's the excuse here?

I am sure there are more that I cannot think of right now.  I can almost guarantee there'll be a follow-up post or 3.  I can honestly say, after having tried this, that I thought maybe I just hadn't met the right guy.  But I have now come to the conclusion that either a) I am way too critical of the men I meet or b) to the single men of the Chicagoland area - it's not me, it's you.  I'm opting for the latter.

Mr. Right or Mr. Good Enough?

So recently, a good friend relayed the following article.

Basically, it says, in short, that wise women settle for Mr. Good Enough. That the Sex and the City 'some are settling for nothing less than butterflies'/feminism movement have led women to have unrealistic expectations in men while time and the decent men (and chances of having a 'traditional family') slip away.

Now, I have a couple thoughts on this. I am all for being realistic. However, I am all for holding out mad/passionate/crazy love. There's some old quote 'don't wait for someone you can live with, wait for someone you can't live without', or something like that. Now, I am ALL about this way of thinking. However, might I mention that I honestly don't know if I ever want children, and, for that reason, I am not concerned about marrying by some certain time (if you listen carefully, you can hear my parents panicking in the background).

However. I realize there are a lot of women who feel differently. I've always personally thought that, if one's main priority is having babies, she should be looking more for a 'co-parent' as opposed to a lover (someone who shares beliefs on religion, what kind of life he wants to give the children, discipline, etc.) as opposed to someone with shared hobbies, a sense of humor, romance, passion, etc.

It's not necessarily that I think the latter group of qualities isn't as important; it's moreso that, kind of as this article implies, it's hard to find it all in one person. That, and someone who might be the ideal partner in terms of romance and companionship might not want the same things with respect to having a family/certain kind of life. If, say, one is in a relationship with someone she is crazy about, but said person has a conflict of interest (such as not wanting to get married or not wanting children), should one move on and try to find someone who can give her what she wants and risk losing the passion?

That, and sometimes, we all find someone who has all the qualities we want - and then that person is not so crazy about us. I've always vowed that if I couldn't have both, I'd rather have someone I was really crazy about than someone who was really crazy about me. However, realistically speaking, as an adult, I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't crazy about me.

However, I guess the short of it is I think it's really hard to find someone we're crazy about who wants the same kind of life and has the same values who is also crazy about us. It's really hard to find the total package - should we keep holding out for it? Do we need to be more realistic about people and love? As this author states, we cannot expect a complete and total fairytale - we are dealing with other human beings, and the better part of this pool of human beings begin to get taken as we continue to hold out for perfection. However, I am a firm believer that once one settles, he/she gets even less than he/she settles for. So, I dunno if it's ever a good omen if one goes into a marriage feeling he/she is settling.

Anyhow. Your thoughts? Should women (or people in general) settle for 'good enough' when it comes to marriage? Is it settling, or is it being realistic? Have women's standards become too high?

The Sounds of the Late '90s....

So, as most of you readers know, a good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) frequent the BYOBs of the North Wrigleyville area. We have noticed a frequent pattern at said BYOBs - the hits of the '90s play in the background. Savage Garden, Vertical Horizon, Gin Blossoms, Matchbox Twenty, Sophie B. Hawkins, etc.

This clearly comes from a CD/something, because there are no commercials. I'm wondering if there is some business around (like 'Muzak') that sells background music to local restaurants (Matt, is this what has become of the Matt Mixes? Is this your side business?). Second question - why would restaurants opt for this kind of music, specifically? I mean, I do suppose it has a nice, easy-listening, non-objectionable quality to it. However, there are also other genres of music that fit this bill.

Anyhow. This kind of music holds a special place in my heart, because it is attached to plenty of childhood (well, high school) memories. Back when life seemed so one-dimensional. Sigh. Adolescent memories. Life. I digress.

I hope these local byobs keep this genre of music going strong. Any other late '90s music enthusiasts out there?

Forget My Past, Part 2....

My friend Matt brings up the tennis ball shirt. There's a good story here.

I had a shirt the color of a tennis ball. A brand new tennis ball. It was a long-sleeved fleece from the Gap. It went well with the rest of my wardrobe (gold leather pants, silver sparkle shirts, etc.).

So I wore said shirt to high school. I was at orchesis (dance team) rehearsal with a bunch of the other dancer girls, wearing this shirt. Matt walks by. I yell 'hi Matt'.

Matt continues walking, even though I know based on the distance between us/noise level in the hallway that he HAD to hear me. Then, five seconds later, he stops, freezes, and looks at me. He then delivers the following line:

"Oh, Jaime. Hi! I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over your shirt."

This got a good laugh at the time from the group of 20 or so dancer girls. Someone even proclaimed "That was good!"

So, from there on out, Matt took it upon himself to tell this story approximately once every couple months for years to come. I'm telling it now, but if I wasn't, it was only a matter of days before he did in the comment section (or on his own blog). It was quite possibly one of his best lines back at good old Hersey.

Sigh. Memories. There'll be more to come.

Belated Congrats!

My two very good friends, Matt & Jenn Adams, just welcomed their first baby - a girl named Emma Lynn Adams! This is super exciting because Matt is one of my oldest friends (and by oldest, I suppose, I really mean longest-term) - we go way back to high school. Anyhow, Matt and Jenn are great people with big hearts so I am sure they will make great parents.

I am not posting a picture of Emma because I haven't had the honor of meeting her yet and, therefore, taking my own picture of her (even though, right now, I could easily lift one from facebook). I am not sure the Adams' family photo licensing policy, so I'm going to err on the side of caution on this one! However, I should meet her shortly so I'll be able to share more on this wee one soon!

I Knew This Would Happen

Ever since I started the birthday shoutout thing, I knew I'd drop the ball on a close friend/major reader's bday. And I have already. Twice. In fact, probably a third time that I can't think of offhand. So I apologize in advance to future friends with birthdays. Since the two birthdays I missed were those of men, I'm trusting they haven't thrown a fit, cursed my name or deleted me from their phone. Anyhow. With no further ado....

Happy (very) belated b-day Steve! (January 16). I can't wait for the wedding (even though I can do without the pressure of finding a hot date), and next time, Coast Sushi's on me!

Happy b-day Matt! (February 22). I can't wait for the baby girl. And, we, too, need to do sushi, as you said earlier. Drop me a line when your schedule has some openings.

(Editor's sidenote: Anonymous, please forward me your birthday. Thanks.)