An Emily-style Joke

My poor attorney friend Rachel from dance class was hit by a car while walking down the street in our neighborhood! And I thought I had bad car luck! Not sure if you read this Rachel - but I, as well as all of Visceral Dance Studio, hope you get well soon! It's no fun not carpoolin'! I have no one to review the dance with on the way home this way.

Bad joke inspired by said event:

What do you call hitting an attorney with a car?

Cutting out the middle man.

Idols

So I like American Idol. Guilty pleasure, I know. There are many worse guilty pleasures in life, I suppose.

Some of my friends and family classify me as the "Simon Cowell" type. (I'm not going to stop to explain who Simon Cowell is, for I know all of you, regardless of whether or not you've seen the show, know.) People can criticize me for it, however, when people want an HONEST opinion, they come to me - all my friends and family will vouch for this.

I like to think I'm not AS brutal and I would never want to hurt another person - but I have no hesitation to tell a friend NOT to buy a sweater because I don't like it or not to date a guy because he's clearly not that into her and just out to jerk her around (if only everyone ALWAYS listened to my advice - I should vent to Simon; I know he feels the same grief).

Now, I do think it's important to not hurt friends and loved ones' feelings. However, I think sometimes reality hurts too - and I think that it's better to hurt now than later. If a little honestly now can prevent a big hurt later - it's worth it. Maybe not in preventing a friend from a bad sweater - but in helping a friend avoid a much bigger mistake. And if someone asks for an opinion - what service does it do to give a sugar-coated 'it's ok, it all depends, i don't really know the whole situation, it's hard to say'? People are asking for an opinion for a reason - sometimes they want someone to confirm what is already somewhere deep down in their gut and heart that they are afraid to face.

Some will criticize me for being Simon - but I like to think I serve a purpose; I am necessary. Hey, it's better than being Paula.

Another Seinfeldism

So today I went to a sox game (it was free). I sat close enough to spit on a player, but I refrained. However, all throughout the game, one thought kept going through my mind (as a non-sports enthusiast) - a seinfeld bit, if you will:

Loyalty to any one sports team is pretty hard to justify because the players are always changing, the team can move to another city, you're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it. You know what I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city. Fans will be so in love with a player but if he goes to another team, they boo him. This is the same human being in a different shirt, they *hate* him now. Boo! different shirt!! Boo.

So When Are YOU Getting Married?

So, it seems as though there's a growing trend to harass all us swinging singles age 21 and up about tying the not. At family parties, weddings and various other events, people like me often get the question "so when are you getting married?"

It's quite a peculiar question when you think about it, seeing that if one is not currently engaged, how would one have an answer? "Well gee, I'm thinking October 11, 2010 - I have a dress picked out and a hall reserved, here's hoping I meet someone in time!"

I found a facebook group with a discussion board on clever retorts to this nagging question. I've always thought making people who ask intrusive questions uncomfortable to be one of life's simple pleasures - here's my top 10 answers that do exactly that:

10) As soon as my boyfriend gets out of jail.

9) Probably right after you guys get divorced.

8) As soon as Brad tires of Angelina.

7) When I lower my standards like you.

6) Actually, I prefer living in sin.

5) When I figure out who the father is.

4) Once the 'operation' is complete.

3) First they have to lift the restraining order....

2) Not until he turns 18, that's for sure.

drumroll please (I plan on using this on my grandmother, for she is sure to be asking said question)....

1) As soon as I can find a man who can outperform my vibrator!

Dubya

With the upcoming election, I haven't mentioned George W. Bush all that much in my blog. I'm sure all my readers can infer my feelings on him. If not, they are pretty well summed up by the following picture....

Administrative Professionals Day

So today was the ultimate Hallmark holiday, Administrative Professionals Day (formerly Administrative Assistants Day, formerly Secretaries Day, etc.). I know this because, well, I'm an Administrative Assistant.

Now, I knew my bosses wouldn't remember. And I knew this Hallmark holiday existed - and I honestly was confident I wouldn't care when they very predictably forgot. Come on now - it's not Christmas or my birthday - it's not a time one "expects" something, for lack of a better word. It's certainly not a day I was eagerly anticipating.

However, when I got in to work and I saw all the other "secretaries" (I personally prefer this title - it seems to convey more importance, like secretary of state) getting flowers, gift cards, etc., from their bosses and all I seemed to get was a list of random "urgent" tasks, well - I'm not going to lie, I felt a little bit bitter.

Maybe it's because I know precisely the reason they didn't do anything for me - because they were completely unaware of the event. This is because they count on ME to point out things like this. They BLINDLY rely on me to remind and alert them of many important things. Had I ordered myself flowers and billed it to their department, they would have signed off on it without even reading it. However, this defeats the purpose.

The purpose of this holiday (and yes, I realize the term needs to be used loosely) ASIDE from Hallmark, etc., making money - is to remember someone - to show that her effort hasn't gone unnoticed. It's the thought that counts, if you will. It's not a matter of a tangible gift - it's a matter of thinking someone took five minutes of his time to do something to make me feel good, to make me feel remembered. And on this day, I feel, well, forgotten. :(

Lesser Known Biases....

In this very exciting presidential campaign (at least I am very excited about it - in case my readers can't tell) - several questions have been raised: Can we elect a black president? Can we elect a female president?

I find this issue to be particularly interesting because I think people carry some biases that we are not even conscious they have. That being said - I think, race and gender aside, we have certain lifestyle expectations (which, in theory, should be irrelevant) on the person coming into the position - and the "can we elect a...." question has many more endings than one might expect.

Can we elect an atheist president? Can we elect an unmarried president?

I wish I could think of more at this moment - but I know they're out there.

Discuss!

Doing My Part....

So today I cashed in on a coupon that was $50 off a $150 purchase at Coach - come on, how could I not use that coupon!?! Actually, both I and my mother received said coupon and she gave me hers - so I cashed in on the coupon twice.

Some might say this was self-indulgent - but I disagree. It was quite unselfish, if I do say so myself!

See, the Republican theory (which I've never really subscribed to) is that people who have money to spend (or spend money anyway) are stimulating the economy - when people are spending, businesses keep going and jobs are therefore created (or kept in existence, at least).

Now, let me tell you - our economy sucks. I am certainly not an economic expert - but if you look at every news medium's headline - we are not exactly thriving in a boom. Many companies are flat at best - many are declining and therefore experiencing layoffs. My bff Dubya gave everyone making under 50K a year (or something like that) a $600 economic stimulus bonus in hopes we'd go out and get spend happy and keep the economy going (or slow down it's journey toward recession).

So, I look at it this way - I could have kept my money to myself - but that wouldn't have benefitted anyone but myself. And I'm all about the greater good. When I was at the cash register - an overwhelmingly happy feeling came over me - it must have been knowing that I was helping the American economy while making my purchase. It almost made me want to buy more. :-)

Politics, Part 812

And now, for a man who has had minimal exposure on Jaime's blog - republican presidential hopeful John McCain. He looks like a nice man. As David Letterman said, he kind of looks like the guy who makes your keys at the hardware store.

It has been brought to my attention by Fox News (yes, I am repping Fox's liberal audience) that John McCain suffers from a condition I have termed ATT (Adult Temper Tantrums). Now, I obviously do not know this man personally and I'm merely taking Fox's word for this (they're yet to be wrong, right?).

ATT happens to be a lot more common than one might think - in fact, I would say it occurs just as often if not moreso than its pediatric counterpart. I've witnessed occurrences of said condition from friends, family, coworkers, and complete and total strangers.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have all along been an activist about not voting for a personality but rather a president - just because someone may have an unattractive personality trait doesn't mean he or she would be bad at the job and just because someone has a good personality doesn't mean he or she will perform well. However, I will say this - I do believe, in finding out this tidbit of information, any hopes of me voting for this man have breathed their last dying breaths. And believe me, they were very weak fleeting hopes to begin with.

Typos

So, one reader - Marcia S. from Mount Prospect - has pointed out that there have been multiple typos/grammar errors throughout Jaime's blog.  As someone who has been an avid activist against apostrophe abuse and using the correct your, please give me a moment to explain myself.  This happens for two reasons:

1)  I am human.

2)  I am neurotic.  One might presume this happens because I do not proofread/am careless - however, this is actually very far from the case.  See, every time I write a post, as I go back to re-read it, I see all kinds of little things I like to reword, tweak, etc.  Then, of course, the edited pieces need to be proofread themselves, but as I'm proofreading them- I see more parts I would like to change.  What can I say?  I'm a slave to my trade.  However, there reaches a point where I've even driven myself nuts and need to stop looking at it and hit publish (errors in tow).  So, in short - please don't think I don't care enough and/or am grammatically incompetent - both are far from the case.  

Obamarama

I'm not fair and balanced and I'm not claiming to be. Yes, I am biased. Very biased. And these biases are laced all throughout this blog, I realize.

Upon watching the Democratic debate - I have but one statement for my bff Barack - answer the f#%*ing question. Now, I personally can't say I have ever felt that his choice of pastor, etc., was ever a problem or a deciding factor in whom I support, HOWEVER....

If Bill Clinton supposedly "owed" the American people an explanation about his extramarital affair, Obama most certainly owes us an explanation for his ties to some questionable individuals. And that's all we're asking for - an explanation! He should be able to answer the question and brush it off quickly, instead of whining about the fact that he was asked it in the first place. If you're running for president - you best expect to being asked to explain yourself.

Instead, here is what we got: "Why don't I wear a flag pin? Shame on YOU for even asking!!" He turned the tables during the debate and some of our most adept, intelligent political analysts were siding with him! There's something ironic about our political journalists saying "how dare they ask him that?" (something about pots & kettles comes to mind...)

Now, again, I'm not implying I believe Obama's a politician of questionable values (any more so than the next candidate, at least...), however, if you can't stand the heat Mr. Obama....

Miranda Hobbes?

Some of this blog's biggest fans commented that some of my entries were 'a tad judgemental'. Let me tell you - I am not one to pretend I'm something I'm not. Guilty as charged. Let me leave you with a quote from Stanford Blatch, Carrie Bradshaw's fabulous friend from Sex and the City:

"We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts & crafts; we (I) judge."